Friday, December 03, 2010

Ultimately alone

It's no secret that I've been dealing with a lot recently and, to many, it's known that I have hit the point of not caring and then somehow managed to muster enough care to keep going. There is a lot to be said about the people that are around you and the people that interact making a difference in your life and that difference can be both positive and negative. Probably one of the biggest things that I feel is a huge loneliness inside and a huge lack of purpose -- ironically I think those are both directly related since if there isn't anyone else around then there really isn't any purpose for anything.

One thing that's made it especially hard for me is that, while it's true that there are people that I interact with at the fire station, I am ultimately alone. I live alone and I work alone so the majority of my life is lived alone. With all of the things that I have been facing I've ultimately been facing them alone. The thing, above all else, that bugs me the most is that anytime I've tried to express this in a facebook status or a twitter update I always get the same thing over and over again... people coming out of everywhere to say that "no, that's not true" or that I mean something to them or that I have them or whatever but ultimately those are just words. Now, granted, some of those are from family who live 4 hours away and it's no fault of theirs but ultimately they can't be what I need and it's certainly not something I hold against them. I know I have people that are praying for me and I don't want to discount what that means to me in any way because it's huge -- but when I express this aloneness that I am dealing with it's not something that is going to be solved by someone saying that they are there but, instead, its going to take action.

I don't want to sit here and blame the world tho.... I know that at least some of this falls back on me, at least according to what some others have told me. Should I be going out and meeting people? Well, sure.... but where do I find people especially when doing anything requires money which just goes right back to other struggles in my life right now but besides that, after so long you really seriously start to believe that there is no one else out there like you. You can only have so many conversations before you start to realize that you look at things in a totally different light than all of the people around you and while a part of me is proud of who I am and how I look at things there is also that huge part of me that feels more and more alienated because, well, there isn't really anyone that gets me. I'm sure that I've made subconscious choices that have led me to this lonely life that I live but then, at the same point, many of those choices may have been made to protect me because I'm guessing it's better to feel alone than to feel rejected.... but what do I know since the lonely feeling brings it's own feeling of rejection.

I don't know what the solution is... I don't know if there is one.... and this isn't really a blog asking for advice but, rather, its just trying to get things off my chest.

1 comment:

Arenlor said...

I just started to read through this, got here and, you sound a lot like me. I have MDD, you may too: It may not change your life much to get a diagnosis, but even if you don't get medication or other help for it, you'll at least know why things are as they are.