Sunday, June 15, 2008

Out of Whack

I'm seriously worried about my health. Along with my emotional struggles ive been going through my body is just all out of whack. I've always had a small tremor but recently I've been shaking uncontrolaby. I'm cycling through periods of not being able to eat and being starved and I'm craving sugar a lot which is really weird for me. Ice been having bad neck pains and lots of headaches. I've always had sinus issues but to have your sinuses draining out of your ears? Lighthead, weak, and faint. My medicine has been responding in weird ways. I'm having small bursts of my addreall work at odd times. Sometimes ill take addreall and feel no effect and then 5 hours later I get this crazy boost for about 20 mins. I've been on these meds for a long time and I can tell you something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no access to any healthcare and worse yet there are very few times that people are around me. This means if something bad happens no one would find me. Who would call for help? Who is around me enough to notice that I'm hurting? More importantly someone who notices and instead of attacking me for how stupid I acted actually trying to understand that I'm hurting and I don't mean to hurt anyone.

Tonight I hit a full blown panic attack. Thoughts were racing out of control and then the breathing issues hit. Next thing you know I'm throwing up and light headed. Then I'm laying on the bathroom floor with my heart beating so fast that I thought it was going to stop and if be dead right there. .... And then I heard Lisa squealing like crazy. Everything around me disappeared and I went running into the birds room and found Lisa on the floor having a night thrash (loosely a nightmare but a little different). I went over to her and her crown was fully extended and she was wide eyed. I could see her little heart beating so rapidly. Bacardi flew over to my shoulder and then crawled into my shirt and cuddled directly in front of my heart. Lisa let me pet her. She looked so concerned. Sure she had a night thrash but she stared at me like she knew something was wrong with me. Suddenly my problems went away and she was my focus. She may well have saved my life.

I was able to get her calmed down and I let them go back to sleep. I was calm too. I took some xanax and I popped "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" movie in and lated down and I'm blogging from my blackberry.

I'm really concerned about a lot tho. I haven't been able to reach Sophie and I'm worried about her. I shouldn't have left but I really believed I was just holding her back from what she wanted to pursue. I was told by someone else that I really needed to have piercinga and tatoos for her to truly like me and she was talking to someone that met that description and someone that she said was extremely hot. I know there is no chance because, well, ive never once been called "hot" by anyone. Honestly tho, I believe love means letting someone chase their dreams even if it means you need to walk away and sacrifice your own. Maybe I screwed up but I believed I was doing the best thing for her. I guess I screwed up and now if something happened to her it'll be my fault. I can't reach her on her phone so I'm paniced even more.

I'm a wreck. I'm really scared. The tears just won't stop. I'm a disaster and I have no means for any help at all. I have no health insurance so I can't afford anything. I have no one around me and no one that wants to be around me. My chest is hurting so bad. I know my body chemistry is off really bad... But this is stuff I must live with.

This raises a question that ive had for a while. How much longer do I have on this earth? Maybe my life really is running out. Honestly, if that is God's will than I am ready and willing. I want nothing more than to be held in His arms and to somehow know that I made this world a better place. I don't know that I have but I hope. I so hope.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

1 comment:

mousewords said...

All we can ever do is give our worries to God and somehow believe that He will make them turn out all right.

Your birds were a blessing tonight--I'm sure they definitely knew something was wrong. Animals are so sensitive!

I'll be praying!