I don't even know how to begin to explain tonight. The drive home was horrible. I'm not sure if its because I had a shot and drove with a buzz, or maybe that I'm dealing with the fact that by driving with a buzz is the cardinal sin in my mind. Maybe its that the last place that I felt like I remotely belonged I was flat out told that I don't. Maybe its because I actually, for the first time, realized that someone cared about me and I was giving the best hug in the world when a friend yelled and asked why I was touching someone that doesn't like to be touched. It could be that its harder to drive when you can't see through the tears rolling out of your eyes. Maybe its the fact that at least 3 times I saw a tree that was perfect for driving in to. It could also be the fact that I realized that, while I thought I was helping, I was holding someone back from what she really wanted. Or maybe its the fact that I know ill never be a guy that is loved by a girl that he genuinely loves. It could be just the plain old broken heart.
... The answer is: all of the above.
The last few weeks have been hell for me. It hasn't got any better. I am an emotional disaster and I'm seeing less and less hope. I've failed again. I've hit rock bottom. I'm not much better off emotionally than I was in 2004 and if you remember the Bob from then, well, just say some serious prayers because this time I really am all alone. By that statement I mean I live alone and, well, its scary.
Its real damn scary.
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