Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Emotional Mess

I'm not exactly sure of the cause but in the recent week or two I've been having some spells of anxiousness and minor depression. I really haven't had to use that d word much in the last couple of years but this emotional mess that I feel like I am in does have some.

I guess a big part of it is related to friendships. There are things about me that I know make me a lot more vulnerable but they are things that I have no desire to change. The problem? I care too much. Basically I will stand beside someone through really dark times and I will deal with the emotional pain that it brings me because I know that they really need someone. When you do this you find yourself caring about that person more and more and that person feels like maybe you are the only one there for them and they may care more about you. This sounds like a good scenario and, actually, it is. The problem is that once the struggles are conquered things go back to the way they were and suddenly you aren't the only one that cares about them. Add to this the fact that you have been there for them and you are now boring because now there are new and exciting people that seem to care. Maybe they do still care but they forget how much you care and, well, you get left in the dust. Worse yet you are still friends and you keep watching more people come into that person's life. You feel replaced and you feel unimportant. This scenario describes 2 friendships in my life right now. I'm sure a lot of it is my reaction too but these are hard scenarios for me to deal with. I can't say that I'm not happy to see them happy but there is a part of me that wonders why I couldn't make them happy. Maybe I did? Either way these are not easy feelings for someone, who is very emotional, to feel.

At any rate, I don't know if this is all of it or not but I don't like having these feelings creep up on me like this. If you've know me for at least 4 or 5 years you know the struggles I had with depression and that's a time in my life that I do not want to revisit.

I would really appreciate everyone's prayers.


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2 comments:

mousewords said...

You've got them! :-)

Concerned Neighbor said...

That's too bad. We hope you cheer up soon! Psalm 35 is good medicine for this kind of thing.