Dear Obama

Dear Barack Obama,

I really want to express a VERY large concern of mine. I have stood behind Obama very strongly and have raised many debates between myself and family and friends. I have been a republican my entire life but this year I have really been encouraging people to vote for Obama because of various reasons but one of these biggest reasons is that I have seen the entire Republican party strip our rights away in the technology fields as well as other areas. I have watched the Republican FCC give more and more rights to cable companies and phone companies allowing a much stronger stronghold on the American public and adding to the fact that the nation that invented the internet is entirely too far behind many other nations when it comes to consumer access to the internet. I have watched our rights be stripped away by laws such as the PATRIOT act. I could continue to go on but I dont feel I need to. The point is that one of the major reasons I support you as a canidate is because I have believed that you are defending our rights in the areas that the majority of the American public isn't paying attention to. I have seen you embrace new technologies and reach the people via Twitter and Facebook. These things mean a lot to me.

It has saddened me, however, that you have voted for immunity for the telecom companies that have been instrumental in stripping us of our rights. The same companies that convinced President Bush to sign an executive order protecting AT&T have now received your vote for them to be granted immunity. To me, this is absolutely appauling and really has me in a debate with myself as to if you are really the best person for the job.

I can certainly understand that there may be benefits to your vote for this immunity but the bottom line is that you have stood against lobbyists in your campaign and you have been really putting your money where your mouth is with regards to not allowing this insanity continue but your vote for this bill has completely ruined my view that you are strong enough to stand for that which is unpopular. This is a huge concern when you have believe you voted for someone who is really interested in defending the rights of Americans and opposing "politics as usual." You have now stood next to McCain and other senators in saying that AT&T and other phone companies should have the right to spy on us if they are directed by a government agency.

I can not express the disappointment I am feeling right now. You have taken away that hope that I had that maybe we had a chance to make things better and that we might actually end up with a president who cares. I can not endorse McCain either because I still believe he is "the lesser of two evils" but I am starting to wonder if I should exercise my right to write-in my vote for president.

Sincerely,
Robert K Mertz

eBay = Braindead

So I closed my account at ebay a while ago because of their hatred of sellers. It's not worth selling any of my old stuff on a site that offers no protection at all to the seller. So anyway, I get this message about letting them know if there was anything that they can do to keep me as a customer...... Here's the email I sent them:

I have to say that I would also like to keep my eBay account
active, however, your recently policy changes have made very clear that
you do not value the casual seller. A few months ago I faced a buyer
who blantantly ignored the terms of an auction I had (and according to
his previous feedback he's done the same thing before). eBay offered no
protection for me, the seller, in this scenario. The only responses
that I received were form letters explaining the policies and that I
could opt to use SquareTrade which costs more than the actual price of
the auction.
As if this wasn't bad enough you recently changed your policy to prevent
sellers from leaving negative feedback for buyers. Now the casual
seller is now not only not protected from buyer abuse but they are also
now no longer able to warn others.
These are very serious issues and I can not continue to use a service
that offers absolutely no protection for me. I would certainly consider
keeping my account open if these policies were reveresed.

So after a week I finally got a response... Are you ready for this?

Dear Robert,

Thank you for writing eBay in regard to halting the closure of your
account.

We're glad you decided to stay with us! We look forward to continuing
our successful and fun relationship. Thank you again, and welcome back
to the community!

Sincerely,
Sam B.

eBay Customer Support

W...T...F...
Why should you even bother to read an email from your customer? I mean, you've got them by the balls and they have no other choice so why in God's name would you want to actually CARE about what they have to say? Where did I say that I WANTED to stop the closure of my account?

Oh... maybe it was the successful and fun relationship? *rolls eyes*

Wow I was a mess in 2003

So since I have been blogging since 2003 and blogs really didn't have tagging back then I decided that I'm going to slowly start working my way through my old posts and tagging them..... Good Lord I was a freaking mess. The most popular tag so far is "tiff" .... Man, I have noooo idea how that girl dealt with me... Well, I don't know how anyone dealt with me but especially her. Now she wasn't such a piece of cake herself at the time but, well.... just if you havent known me long and you think I'm an emotional mess at times now, go back through the archives of this blog and be amazed :)

What I want

There have been a lot of things going on with multiple friendships and with organizations, jobs, and churches that all seem to fall back to a similar theme. They are things that desperately need to be taken control of.

The anxiety issues that I have been having are continuing on but I think it's kind of narrowing down as to what the cause of the majority of the issues are. Its a hard thing to try to understand your purpose but when it seems that your purpose is the opposite of what you are prepared and equipped to be it just makes it a lot harder. Once of the biggest things that I have realized is that I try too hard to be the person that someone wants me to be. This is true for pretty much every human on earth but I think it goes a little over the edge with me because it seems that my compassion for helping people motivates me to be there for someone and to help them with things they need beyond my abilities. In doing this I lose sight of the things that I want and need and I completely lose focus of myself until these anxiety spells start hitting. Sometimes it is very hard for me to remember what it is that *I* need and the things that *I* desire.

Unfortunately with the life that I generally end up living I constantly feel that the things I need and want are asking way too much and I silence myself when I should speak up. It's very hard caring for people in the state they are when they don't have the capacity to care for you back but that is part of compassion. The problem is that when you end up in a situation where its not just that they aren't able to care but its that they don't even desire to respect you. This situation occurs in my life over and over and over again. Why? Simply because I don't stand up for who *I* am and what *I* need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved for who I am and respected for who I am. I am not the perfect person and I'm, quite possibly, one of the worst... but I am me and I try my best. I fail... I fail a lot.

I can't always drop my entire life to help someone but it is going to kill me when I can't. I need to be able to feel appreciated even when I can't do what it is that is asked of me.

I need encouragement.... Lots of it. I try my best to encourage everyone else and I'm often left feeling that I really am not making an impact and that I shouldn't even bother anymore. Most of the time I think I end up talking into the wind... There is no confirmation that I was at least heard.

I need to be told when I am doing something right and/or helpful and not only told when I'm screwing something up. I will certainly screw things up and I do want to be told when I do but if all I'm ever told is when I'm doing something wrong then all I know is that I'm fighting a losing battle and should move on to somewhere that I can actually be making a difference.

I need to be a part of what I am working on. If I really can't be a part of the people or the project then I don't believe that there is anything that I can do that is going to be effective.

I need to be trusted. If I am not trusted then I am not going to feel a part of whats going on and I know for a fact that I am not going to be able to help.

I need cooperation. I can't do anything on my own and even if I could it wouldn't be worth it. If I am fighting for something or working towards something but no one else wants to be part of it then it's a futile effort.

Most of all -- I need people to remember that I am human and that there is a good chance that the things I am dealing with elsewhere are probably much larger than what you know -- in fact, I can pretty much assure you of that because I try, often too hard, to hide what is going on with me for the sake of the person I'm trying to be there for or the project I am working on. Even if I do manage to help in some minor way it does not mean that I am superhuman.

Out of Whack

I'm seriously worried about my health. Along with my emotional struggles ive been going through my body is just all out of whack. I've always had a small tremor but recently I've been shaking uncontrolaby. I'm cycling through periods of not being able to eat and being starved and I'm craving sugar a lot which is really weird for me. Ice been having bad neck pains and lots of headaches. I've always had sinus issues but to have your sinuses draining out of your ears? Lighthead, weak, and faint. My medicine has been responding in weird ways. I'm having small bursts of my addreall work at odd times. Sometimes ill take addreall and feel no effect and then 5 hours later I get this crazy boost for about 20 mins. I've been on these meds for a long time and I can tell you something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no access to any healthcare and worse yet there are very few times that people are around me. This means if something bad happens no one would find me. Who would call for help? Who is around me enough to notice that I'm hurting? More importantly someone who notices and instead of attacking me for how stupid I acted actually trying to understand that I'm hurting and I don't mean to hurt anyone.

Tonight I hit a full blown panic attack. Thoughts were racing out of control and then the breathing issues hit. Next thing you know I'm throwing up and light headed. Then I'm laying on the bathroom floor with my heart beating so fast that I thought it was going to stop and if be dead right there. .... And then I heard Lisa squealing like crazy. Everything around me disappeared and I went running into the birds room and found Lisa on the floor having a night thrash (loosely a nightmare but a little different). I went over to her and her crown was fully extended and she was wide eyed. I could see her little heart beating so rapidly. Bacardi flew over to my shoulder and then crawled into my shirt and cuddled directly in front of my heart. Lisa let me pet her. She looked so concerned. Sure she had a night thrash but she stared at me like she knew something was wrong with me. Suddenly my problems went away and she was my focus. She may well have saved my life.

I was able to get her calmed down and I let them go back to sleep. I was calm too. I took some xanax and I popped "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" movie in and lated down and I'm blogging from my blackberry.

I'm really concerned about a lot tho. I haven't been able to reach Sophie and I'm worried about her. I shouldn't have left but I really believed I was just holding her back from what she wanted to pursue. I was told by someone else that I really needed to have piercinga and tatoos for her to truly like me and she was talking to someone that met that description and someone that she said was extremely hot. I know there is no chance because, well, ive never once been called "hot" by anyone. Honestly tho, I believe love means letting someone chase their dreams even if it means you need to walk away and sacrifice your own. Maybe I screwed up but I believed I was doing the best thing for her. I guess I screwed up and now if something happened to her it'll be my fault. I can't reach her on her phone so I'm paniced even more.

I'm a wreck. I'm really scared. The tears just won't stop. I'm a disaster and I have no means for any help at all. I have no health insurance so I can't afford anything. I have no one around me and no one that wants to be around me. My chest is hurting so bad. I know my body chemistry is off really bad... But this is stuff I must live with.

This raises a question that ive had for a while. How much longer do I have on this earth? Maybe my life really is running out. Honestly, if that is God's will than I am ready and willing. I want nothing more than to be held in His arms and to somehow know that I made this world a better place. I don't know that I have but I hope. I so hope.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Bob's Hope = 0

I don't even know how to begin to explain tonight. The drive home was horrible. I'm not sure if its because I had a shot and drove with a buzz, or maybe that I'm dealing with the fact that by driving with a buzz is the cardinal sin in my mind. Maybe its that the last place that I felt like I remotely belonged I was flat out told that I don't. Maybe its because I actually, for the first time, realized that someone cared about me and I was giving the best hug in the world when a friend yelled and asked why I was touching someone that doesn't like to be touched. It could be that its harder to drive when you can't see through the tears rolling out of your eyes. Maybe its the fact that at least 3 times I saw a tree that was perfect for driving in to. It could also be the fact that I realized that, while I thought I was helping, I was holding someone back from what she really wanted. Or maybe its the fact that I know ill never be a guy that is loved by a girl that he genuinely loves. It could be just the plain old broken heart.

... The answer is: all of the above.

The last few weeks have been hell for me. It hasn't got any better. I am an emotional disaster and I'm seeing less and less hope. I've failed again. I've hit rock bottom. I'm not much better off emotionally than I was in 2004 and if you remember the Bob from then, well, just say some serious prayers because this time I really am all alone. By that statement I mean I live alone and, well, its scary.
Its real damn scary.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"My Reason"

I've never liked the shelter
I'm constantly alone
I'm poinitng out my weakness
There's an emptyness at home

I need to find a reason
To live this way
I'm running out of patience
And my life is over

I'm standing here
but I'm on my way
searching to find an answer
I'm standing here
but it's all the same
and I'm running out of patience

(Chorus)
And I will take my reason
from you
And I've gained a reason
from you

But you left me
You left me here
And I'm alone

Been stripped of my innocence
Take pity in myself
A certain chain of grievance
That puts me in this hell

I need to find a reason
To live this way
I'm running out of patience
And my life is over

I'm standing here
But I'm on my way
Searching to find an answer
I'm standing here
But it's all the same
And I'm running out of patience

(Chorus)
And I will take my treason
from you
And I've gained a reason
from you

But you left me
You left me here
I'm all alone
I'm all alone
I'm all alone
I'm all alone

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well I'm searching
To find my reason
To find a reason
To find my reason
Why I need you
And I need you
And I want you

But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you

But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you

But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you

But I need to
Get away from you

And I will take my reason
from you
And I needed somebody to love me
But you just left me here
And I'm lonely
You know I needed
Someone to love me
But I'm all alone

"My Reason" by Linkin Park

Emotional Mess

I'm not exactly sure of the cause but in the recent week or two I've been having some spells of anxiousness and minor depression. I really haven't had to use that d word much in the last couple of years but this emotional mess that I feel like I am in does have some.

I guess a big part of it is related to friendships. There are things about me that I know make me a lot more vulnerable but they are things that I have no desire to change. The problem? I care too much. Basically I will stand beside someone through really dark times and I will deal with the emotional pain that it brings me because I know that they really need someone. When you do this you find yourself caring about that person more and more and that person feels like maybe you are the only one there for them and they may care more about you. This sounds like a good scenario and, actually, it is. The problem is that once the struggles are conquered things go back to the way they were and suddenly you aren't the only one that cares about them. Add to this the fact that you have been there for them and you are now boring because now there are new and exciting people that seem to care. Maybe they do still care but they forget how much you care and, well, you get left in the dust. Worse yet you are still friends and you keep watching more people come into that person's life. You feel replaced and you feel unimportant. This scenario describes 2 friendships in my life right now. I'm sure a lot of it is my reaction too but these are hard scenarios for me to deal with. I can't say that I'm not happy to see them happy but there is a part of me that wonders why I couldn't make them happy. Maybe I did? Either way these are not easy feelings for someone, who is very emotional, to feel.

At any rate, I don't know if this is all of it or not but I don't like having these feelings creep up on me like this. If you've know me for at least 4 or 5 years you know the struggles I had with depression and that's a time in my life that I do not want to revisit.

I would really appreciate everyone's prayers.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Plurk = Twitter Killer?

Well, I think we all know 2 things.... The first is how much many of us love Twitter.... The second is how much we also hate twitter. If there is a list of unstable start ups somewhere then Twitter would have to be in the top 5. The amount of crashes the service goes through is just mind boggling.... And once upon a time Twitter actually cared about the users enough to at least keep them up to date on what was going on. Now? Well, not so much. I mean, hey, Twitter has enough users so why should they care if they piss someone off? We were ok with the growing pains because we all really felt that Twitter (the company) was really a part of Twitter (the network). They've certainly lost touch of that and as a result I think most of us are fed up. Not only is Twitter alienated from the users but the service is getting progressively worse. If things weren't bad enough we had the TOS fiasco which confirmed the fact that Twitter doesn't really care about us. We all love the concept of Twitter but I think that majority of us have had enough.

A few months ago the internet brought us BrightKite which is an absolutely amazing tool and something that I absolutely love. Many people began calling this the "Twitter Killer" but I don't believe this is the case -- well, I at least hope not. BrightKite is incredible for local communication. It's an awesome way of connecting with people that are physically near you and a way of talking about things that are occuring where you are. All of your "notes" are placed on a page for the location that you are checked in at. The thing is that for this to be a twitter killer, it really needs to take the focus away from local and put it more on global and the problem with that is the more that starts to occur the less BrightKite is what it was intended to be. I love BrightKite. I use BrightKite. I want BrightKite to stay focused on what it does best -- and that's not global.

But who's this? Plurk? I just found out about this less than a few hours ago and I'm already blown away by the interface. It is really sleek and thought out. Plurk is certainly a global communications system that does what Twitter does -- except with A LOT of additional features. In just the hour that I have been playing with it I really am excited about it. Right now there isn't any SMS/Mobile compatibility, however, their FAQ asks "How do I use Plurk from my mobile phone?" and the answer is "Give us 6 weeks and we'll tell ya" .... I'm anticipating this very much!

So everyone, please add me at Plurk. You can add me at BrightKite as well..... oh, and I guess you can add me at Twitter too and keep up with what's going on with me there (provided the service is actually working).

Plurk - bblboy54
BrightKite - bblboy54
Twitter - bblboy54