It's Monday.... the one day a week that I'm supposed to be off and not on call or anything.... yet, as is usual, Carpathia managed to piss me off again. I have to work from midnight until 8am tonight.... that was planned.... but they ignore another customer and im stuck cleaning up the mess..... I cant do this anymore and in all honesty, my 2 weeks notice is in the very near future I think....

I'm taking a nap... I'm just a wreck right now....

For the first time in my life, I carved a pumpkin :)

mine is the cross..... Kim had fun with the small one.

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Imagine a place only your soul can vision
The heart of a child who looks, sees and listens
She paints a picture using every color
And what she sees, she sees is like no other

[Chorus:]
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
With everything I know you're made of
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
If everyone would stop and listen

The art of innocence make so much sense
But placed inthe wrong hands, well then it's wasted
Filtered throught he eyes of a pure mind
A one-of-a-kind paradise for you and I

[Chorus]

Break the cycle, find your rhythm
Share the gift that you've been given

You can
You can change the world
You can change the world

[Chorus (repeat)]

"Change the World" by P.O.D.

Duh!

I'd like to see you in the morning light
I like to feel you when it comes to night
Now I'm here and I'm all alone
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you
Alone again without you
Alone again without you

I said stay, but you turned away
Tried to say that it was me
Now I'm here and I've lost my way
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

I tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

"Alone Again" by Dokken

Man am I struggling.... There is just so much on my mind.... If its not finances, its jobs, if its not jobs, its relationships, if its not relationships, it's something else..... I want so badly to be loved by a girl that will never leave me.... So many people mean so much to me.... I just want to mean that much to at least one other person.... I broke into tears tonight at work..... I'm so close to my breaking point it's not even funny..... something has to change soon.... I need something... I need something happy.... I was hoping that Eli would be coming down with my dad this weekend so I could see him and spend some time with him.... it would have cheered me up.... but why would someone let that happen? I'm designed for this life to be misserable it seems.... I'm struggling so bad.... I have my faith in God but there is still so much pain right now... it's hurting so bad..... too much going on.... I really dont know how much longer I can hang in there.....

Please keep me in your prayers!

There is nothing worse than breaking into tears at work and having to try to avoid customers so they don't see

I

Its now coming up on 3 weeks of not hearing from tiff... I'm guessing I'm supposed to take a hint? I just dont understand it tho.... its like she starts indicating that she wants to get closer to me again and things start working better and then all of a sudden she's just gone... thats it, just plain gone. Not even a "I need to stay away from you" or "its not gonna work" ... its just a disappear and your outta my life thing.... I still have the feeling that God's not done here but I'm so tired of being the only one fighting for what I feel God wants. Honesty is such an important thing to me..... its so hard when someone lies to me.... and its just as hard when someone doesnt want to tell me anything or share something with me that I really need to know.... I feel like this all the time and I hate it.

I just want to be happy... I want to have a very happy and healthy relationship... but maybe I'm not supposed to have that and thats why God lets me get burned by the people that mean the most to me?

I'm just worn out with all of this.... Lonliness is killing me :(