My stomach is completely in knots. This happens to me on numerous occaisions because I put so much effort in to caring about people who, if they care at all, only care when its convient for them. While I change my life for people everyone moves on with their lives as is and when I need to talk there isn't someone there for a simple conversation. Occasionally a conversation starts and in the end I am only reminded of how that person has a lot of problems and if I want to continue being "friends" I need to become perfect and have no problems of my own. As is my nature, I just hide my problems and take on everyone else's at the same time. Then there are the people that tell me I need to find friends which is nothing more than saying "bob, I have no desire to deal with your issues". Essentially: here's a quarter; call someone who cares.
It really is a horrible feeling knowing. That if I died right now I would leave this earth knowing that the only people that cared for me were my parents, one couple from the dulles campus, a guy in new england, and one friend I've had since 3rd grade.
I'm just more and more reminded of how I really don't fit in in this world. While there may be a need for me in this world, there isn't a place for me. On top of that I am constantly being punished because of the larger portion of the stereo type I can be classified in. I'm a man and a Christian. Both of those stereo types kill me right off the bat.
The thing is, there is nothing I can do except what I keep doing and keep helping those people I care about and let them continue to walk over me. I'm about serving and its all I want to do but I simply can not anticipate being served/helped.
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