Thursday, July 12, 2007

It seems I am again at a point of not having a clue what is going on with my life. I'm kind of just wandering around this life with no direction... And when it comes to making something work, I lose interest. I guess I'm the Dr House of life. I just get sick of the same old stuff... And to try to question why is even more complicated than the feeling its self. Ironically I think everyone I meet loses interest in me and I'm left emotionally alone. I'd like to find someone that actually takes an interest in me - in who I am. The only people that seem to have an interest obviously find something that they don't like - at this point they either disappear or try to be nice and pretend to be there for me. Words do not mean anything to me anymore. Its so easy to say we'll do this or that but carrying through is what counts to me. I don't expect anyone to constantly sacrifice themselves for me but unless it happens every now and then, I have no reason to believe the words that are said. Suddenly I'm nothing more than a convience. I'm not saying that people always take advantage of me but its more of an out of sight/out of mind thing. If I'm present, they are a good friend but I can only be present when its convient for them.
Right now there are some questions about my physical health. There is a lot going on in me right now that isn't normal and no one seems to be able to figure it out. One thing I think I may need to accept is that some of this could be anxiety creeping back up on me. I don't want to have to even think about the time when my family doctor says he can't find anything and, for lack of anything else, he refers me to a psychiatrist. That might be the time that I really do give up. Its a real hard thing wondering if your going to live to be 30. Ok, nothing points to anything that drastic but at the same time there is a huge unknown. The hardest part about this is I am alone in this. Aside from my parents, I can pretty much bet no one would visit me if I was in the hospital.
I need someone in my life. I can not do this on my own. I can't stay focused when I am on my own. There isn't anyone there, nor is there anyone on the horizon. Hell, even the eharmony system is scraping the barrel to find a match - almost all of my matches are marked with "flexible matching". I guess I'm not compatible with anyone - and its now a scientific fact.

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