Right now I can't help but feel worthless and like a failure. I was really excited about things in my life.... it looked really good that I was going to have a house next month... a place that I could call mine and that I could do with what I wanted to... and most importantly, have all the animals that I wanted.
Why the animals? Besides the fact that I love animals, they are about the only companions that I ever have.... I guess a lot of the same idea of what I explained in a post months ago (http://blog.bibleboy.org/2007/02/animals-dont-care-if-you-cant-have.html).
I'm really down right now. I wish that there were people that would take an interest in me or that would be there to help me... I love being there to help people -- and I probably always will be.... and while it shouldn't matter, sometimes I really feel gypped because I don't believe that there is anyone that is there for me... but recently, I guess I'm realizing why.... I really don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone.... I just feel helpless and most of the time I just feel like I'm annoying people.... It adds to it when someone says "I can't do this or that because of _____" and then shortly after I see the same scenario play out with them and someone else where _____ doesn't matter.... To me, that is nothing more than proof that there is something wrong with ME and that every reason why someone doesn't want to deal with something or do something is only because I'm not worth that struggle -- but many others are. I truly believe that there are a lot of people that are worth waiting for and worth fighting for but as time goes by, I start to believe stronger and stronger that *I* am not one of those people -- there is nothing that makes me worth fighting for. I can help people with their computers and I can help people with aquariums but those are things that can easily be filled by lots of other people... if I'm gone, there is nothing lost because there is someone else that will fill that gap... I don't have anything that people would miss so that means that the flaws that I mean there is no point in even bothering. True, everyone else has flaws too but the difference is that they have something that would be missed if they were gone... but since I have nothing that would be missed, then the flaws can't be overlooked.
Anyway, it's been a rough night for me.... I just want to sleep but for some reason I feel like there are some tears to occur before that. *sigh*