I'm a mess

It's been a long time since I've posted a blog and an even longer time that I've posted about stuff going on in my life but I guess this is the post that breaks that streak.

To sum things up, they aren't really good right now. First and foremost is financial issues. Running a business that depends on computers failing seems like it would be a stable income but the truth is it's not but while it's always had it's ups and downs it has never been anywhere close to this bad before. I occasionally get stressed about money but I usually deal with it and move about my life and just trust that God will take care of it and while I'm trying to best to do that now as well I'm struggling because I've honestly never been this scared about money before in my life and it hurts exceptionally bad that I worked so hard and 6 months ago had my credit score up to over 700 and now I'm lower than I've ever been. This is all I'm really going to say about that right now.... Just thinking about it gives me the sensation of a pending panic attack -- and that is something that I really seriously hope that I don't have to start experiencing again. I guess until they take my car or my house all I can do is my best.

I guess the second thing is the panic issue.... actually, its more of a depression issue. If you look years back in my blog posts you'll realize that I was really having difficulties and that is a place that I never want to visit again, however, this period of my life is the closest that I've ever been to those issues and I'm afraid of a downward spiral taking place. Why is this? Quite simply, a lot has happened. Currently I'm taking a break from firefighting and that is taking a toll on me. One of the largest reasons I joined the fire department was because it was something to do since I really didn't have anyone around me and it really did fill a void. I think what's toughest is that it seems that a lot of people that I figured were friends outside of the fire department really aren't as much as I had thought. It's not true of everyone but at the same time I'm kind of realizing that being part of the fire department is a good thing but it's not quite as good as it had initially seemed. I want to go back and you may ask why I don't just do that but there really isn't an easy way to answer that. There have been some issues at the department that I haven't felt comfortable with for over a year but I did my best to deal with it but recently those things have been getting a bit worse and I've been feeling a bit alone in certain things and I just plain don't feel comfortable with things right now. I pray to God that changes soon but right now, I need to stay away. I am still working with the computer systems at the county level but even that has been a bit stressful with the way some people have been. There's a lot of times that I just plain wish I didn't join the fire service at all.... but on the other hand, I miss it and I want to get back to it as soon as possible. Of course this happens when I volunteer places because I want to help so much and I do and then it just unintentionally becomes something that is taken for granted. You end up deciding you'll never volunteer again but then your volunteering nature comes out and it happens again. I guess its the person I want to be but sometimes it's really tough to deal with and I guess it's exceptionally hard for me to deal with because outside of my volunteering projects I'm all alone. Most people have a group of people that they can fall back on but looking at my life over the last few weeks I literally have not left my house with the exception of going to work, stopping to buy groceries, or bowling a few games (alone, of course). I'm not exaggerating when I say that I literally have gone stretches of 3 or 4 days where I didn't so much as walk out on to my porch. It sounds pathetic, and I guess the reality is that it is pathetic.... but, on the other hand, there isn't anything to do outside of my house.

I don't know what the solution is. All I really know is that I'm scared to death and really just a mess right now. I've been here before.... I got through it.... but the last time I was this much of a mess it certainly didn't clear up overnight..... I know God is out there.... in my heart I know that He has a plan..... and maybe it's just me screwing everything up and thats why His plan isn't working.... I just don't know. Please just keep me in your prayers right now.... I could really use them.... more than ever.

Changes

After many MANY years of loyally supporting Blogger despite there being other solutions that may have fit better it seems that Blogger has given up on me. Why? Because I use FTP to publish my blog to my own site without using Google Hosting, etc. Google/Blogger has announced that they will be stopping support for FTP in the near future and this has left me in a position where I need to move... and move quickly it seems.

Reference: Blogger deprecating FTP publishing

I am very disappointed that after being a user of Blogger since September of 2003 that Google has decided to leave me no option but to find another solution. I feel that I've grown and changed with Blogger and Google and now am just abandoned by them because they have a user base and no real need for those that have stuck by the product.

In the future I will have to be making changes to both notepad.bobkmertz.com and http://blog.bibleboy.org. It is my hope that I will be able to keep these domains with another solution but that is undecided at this time. I will try to update everyone as soon as I have more information.

UPDATE: I have decided to go ahead and move over to Google's hosting since they are now offering subdomains of domains you have DNS hosted elsewhere. I'm not exactly happy about this scenario but this is the result of the Google overlords I guess. To the end-reader this blog shouldn't change at all, however, there may be broken links on some of my old posts. If you find a broken link in one of my posts, please make a comment on that post and let me know about it so I can try to fix it.

Closing another decade

Well, here we are.... ending not only another year but another decade. I really like what Joe Rogan said about getting old.... one day the bag boy says "sir" to you and you realize that you're an adult and the world is doomed. It's hard to believe that in about 6 months I'm going to be 30 years old.....

Sadly I don't know that all that much has really happened or changed in 2009 in my life. It's been a rough year with the economy and it's kind of left me in a slight financial bind but I know that God is in control and all I can do is pray that he takes care of me in 2010 and that he doesn't let the IRS hurt me too bad :) The business is now an LLC which, well, I'm not totally sure what all that means other than I pay Virginia an extra $100 a year..... but it sounds cool, right? I think the most that has happened in 2009 is that I've grown as a firefighter. I had all of my first real experiences this year -- including wrecking a fire truck.... oops. But life is like that.... you don't gain a lot without screwing up a lot.

Right now I'm sitting at the data center handling an urgent issue.... which is good because I can use the extra money to end 2009 on. Just waiting for a server to finish up an fsck and then I'm headed to the station for the night.... Don't really have much of a life but thats ok because I'm sure there'll be a few drunk drivers that will need our help.

One last thought..... does anyone else think its funny that 10 years ago today people were sitting on stock piles of food and water because all of the computers were going to explode and the world was going to end because we were all going back in time to 1900? Me? I wasn't concerned but I was in the basement to turn off the main circuit breaker at midnight and scare the crap out of my aunt.....

Anyway, I hope that everyone has a great 2010 and that God Blesses you and your families. Please go out and have a good night but if you drink please don't drive.

Respect, Join, Fight

Lots of people always say that everyone has their purpose and the one thing that they were meant for. Most of the time its finding that purpose that's the problem but then even after you find that finding what you're supposed to do with that is a whole different ball game. I've been alive for 29 years now and I still can't tell you what I'm meant for. I can tell you that I have been given clues and I have ideas and that every day that goes by I learn just a little bit more of who I am. It's a process -- and I don't think it ends until life it's self ends. Of course, a few weeks ago I went home to PA for my great grandmother's funeral and I have to wonder that in the 109 years that she lived if she knew what her purpose was or if she really just lived her purpose without even knowing it. Personally, I think most people do just that -- and there isn't anything wrong with that.

If you look at any sports team you'll see different players serving a different purpose. They all have their position or their task. The greatest football player may just be the one that never gets a touchdown. Actually, there is no such thing as the greatest football player which is why it wasn't Ben Roethlisberger that won the Lombardi but the Steelers. Sure we have MVPs and awards that honor individual players but I don't think anyone will argue that the greatest award in the NFL is winning the Super Bowl. In a player's life they will go through many different positions and sometimes it'll take years and years for them to find their place and it'll happen by their coaches and team mates seeing something in them that would be great for another position other than what they may be in at any given moment. In fact, it's rarely the person that finds their place in anything but those around them.

I just finished watching an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger -- specifically Evil in the Night -- which made me again realize one component of me that defines who I am and what it is that excites me. Quite simply it is multiple people and organizations joining together for a common fight. If you asked any person what the most exciting part of that episode was I can all but guarantee that not a single person would tell you the same answer as I would. The part of this episode that got me most excited is when Ranger Trivette decided that the elders of the tribe needed to have a ceremony over an ancient burial ground that was disturbed in order to help Ranger Walker. The next scene was a van with the elders following Ranger Trivette in his truck with his red light flashing -- it was that scene that excited me the most. There is a lot to be said about that scene and more than most people probably even thought of.

This episode started out with the talk of ghosts and demons and Ranger Trivette really didn't buy any of it. As time went on he started to warm up to the idea but I doubt that he ever really understood or possibly even fully believed that evil spirits were being used in the attacks that happened in this episode. In order for my favorite scene to happen there was a very serious thing that needed to take place and that was simply that Trivette needed to respect the beliefs of the native americans regardless of whether he believed them or not. Aside from the respect there was another major component that had to happen and that was two groups that really don't always see eye to eye needed to join together and totally cooperate. The Native Americans could have easily said "these are the people that took our land" or refused to take part in easing the spirits of the souls of those buried in the burial ground that was disturbed in order to build a new building that had nothing to do with them -- but they didn't. They realized that people were in danger and that there was something that needed to be done for the good of everyone and they gladly went with Trivette.

All of us have our enemies individually but then we have our enemies that oppose the groups that we are in. I know I personally have a hard time with some people at the fire hall and in many cases it's better to avoid those people but if the call comes in and its down to me and those people we all have to put things aside and realize that our enemy as a group at that moment in time is the fire or the mangled car holding someone inside and we need to defeat that enemy as our major priority. It may not always be easy but I try. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to put aside your seniority or your rank and realize that everyone needs to learn from everyone and join together for the common good. On a larger scale one thing that I think is awesome is that when we're driving our ambulance or engine out of town and a police cruiser is sitting waiting for speeders that officer will often flash their lights at us to say hi and we'll do the same -- despite all the talk about the police dept did this or the fire dept did this we realize and recognize in that moment that we are on the same team regardless of our differences. When Joey and I arrived first on the scene to the accident where the 16 year old girl got hit by the drunk driver we went to work and we did what we knew best to do and as more engines arrived each person took their part in doing what needed to be done. We also had sheriff's deputies and state troopers on the scene and there wasn't any fights about jurisdiction -- it was people getting done what needed to be done. The officers handled the issues with the drunk driver and the fire department was there to help while the firefighters handled the scene and officers were there to help and the EMTs did their part and I still held c-spine on the girl even tho I'm a firefighter and not an EMT. Everyone doing their part is what took care of that scared girl and got the guy in jail that needed to be in jail.

It's really sad that you don't hear about these things and mostly don't see them anymore. And I don't just mean in the fire service, the NFL, or any other organization but in each person's personal life. We see Virginia license plates that say "Fight Terrorism" on a car that cuts off numerous people in order to save a few seconds of their commute. Instead of joining together to be prepared for what may happen we disrespect others and ignore the fact that others could use our help and genuine advice until disaster strikes and, only then, do we pull together.

As humans we all need to realized that it is a crucial part of our survival to respect each person and let them do what they believe they are meant to do and to help them, and allow others to help us, realize what our place in life is. Once we start respecting each other and start learning about each other then we can join together and fight the common enemy rather than arguing amongst ourselves. Without respect we can't join and without joining we can't win.

John and Kari - September 19, 2009

This weekend my sister married her boyfriend of 7 years.... one of the most exciting and emotional days of my life. Being a groomsman I stood at the front of the church as my dad walked her down the aisle with tears rolling off of my face. I really had not dreamed that it would have been as emotional as it was for me but when I returned to Virginia and was still crying yesterday I realized just how important family is to me and how important family should be to everyone.

I've found myself thinking of my sister a lot and, as weird as it may seem, my first memory is when I was 3 years old and Kari was born. I remember being in the hospital and Lori (my other sister) and I had these red stickers that said "I have a new sister" and I remember, for whatever reason, I decided that I wanted to see what happened if you stuck 2 stickers together and Lori seemed interested too.... so, that's what we did.... and then when my mom told us (I'm pretty sure in a joking manner that I didn't understand then) that we weren't able to go back in and see Kari since we don't have our stickers..... I cried..... alot....... I don't know why that memory is still in my mind but it is.... and I can't say that I remember much other about her being born other than that. Kari has always been a source of happiness in my life in one way or another.... whether it was her just being there as a really good friend over the last 10 years or so or back in our younger days when my dad was in a hospital bed in the living room from his motorcycle wreck and my mom hears Lori and myself running upstairs yelling "Mom, mom... Kari's in the washer and she turned it on".... Of course my mom didn't believe us until my dad yelled back that he heard the well pump running..... we all still laugh about that. And I'm sure that Lori and I did all kinds of needless harassing of Kari but all 3 of us were always close.... and we still are. It's hard living a few states away because I can't hang out with them like we used to but it makes the times that we can hang out that much more fun and special.

I think its kind of funny how life never seems to go the way we expect it to. Kari is the youngest of us 3 and always was noted as the "crazier" one.... The one who just floated around looking for trouble -- not in a criminal kind of way but in the way a kitten does..... And of course Lori and I are both still as single as they come and Kari is the one that's married and still the head gymnastics coach at the Greensburg YMCA. She showed us, I guess!

It's so hard to explain emotions such as these.... as Kari walked down the aisle I cried.... when she danced with my dad, I cried..... I just cried a lot..... being so happy for someone so close to you is overwhelming.... Of course she's still with us and always a part of our family but now we have to share her. I'll admit, John is a great guy to share her with if she has to be shared..... but she still is -- and always will be -- my baby sister.

Congratulations, Kari and John! I love you both and you will continually be in my prayers as I ask God to bless your marriage and your home and hopefully someday soon I'll be "Uncle Bob" and you two will be great parents!

Priceless Piracy

Season 1 of Man vs Cartoon on iTunes
$9.99

Trying (and failing) to convert to non-DRM format
1 hr

Trying (and failing) to find a way to burn DRM videos to DVD
45 mins

Tearing your house apart to find external speakers since you'll HAVE to watch it on your computer
30 mins

Being able to pirate the shows you like
Priceless

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There are some things that money can buy.... but the free version is usually better

"What About Them?"

(chorus)
Puff the magic Jesus
Floats around the universe
The United States is His favorite place on the whole entire earth
So sing your songs and wave your flag
And thank the Lord for all you have
But what about them?
Did you forget about them?

We came we conquered never speak of this again life
Must go on let’s not think of them
Things are comfortable now the pioneers have settled in
A perfect blend of progress and pale skin
For our sake and those to come
We’ll rewrite the text so you can forget where you came from
Tell it in a way that will build your self esteem
Repackage the product and sell the American dream

(chorus)

History is best forgotten and even better rewritten
And since there’s no forgetting let’s remember it different
Commit to it so strongly till you believe it
The truth is there but you aren’t able to receive it
You need to know you’re safe here
Hide your face here cuz you found your faith here
But four walls with no windows doesn’t mean you’re it
Four walls with no windows doesn’t mean they don’t exist

(chorus)

What a prosperous, wondrous place
Remember to say grace before we scrape our plates
And ignore the crying outside the door sure
You’ll pray for their burdens but you don’t want to make it yours
Thin lines divide but there’s a world of difference
So crawl back into your happy existence and feel the bliss of ignorance keep you warm
Blessed are those who mourn but it’s so foreign
The more you have the less you care
The less you care the more you become unaware
And sure life’s not fair but it favors us apparently
And how are we to interpret this excess
Is it God’s favor ill-behavior or simply man’s modern progress
God bless us as we sweep this mess under the rug
Don’t want to walk barefoot on the tile and step in the mud
Out of sight out of mind and pushed to the side
Left for someone else to rationalize and justify

(chorus)

"What About Them?" by John Reuben