This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

"Far Away" lyrics / Nickelback

Im not sure what to think of anything anymore. Im so emotionally hurting.... I need comfort and I need rest and I cant seem to find either. They way I feel isnt really something I have felt before. Im not depressed but I am sad.... Things are changing again and I know that its a good thing -- whatever it is.... Im just so tired and worn out. Things keep changing and I just really want to have some stability but I guess God doesnt think its time for that. Im not anywhere that I expected to be at this point in my life. In many cases things are better..... but there are some things that I wish was different. I really thought that I would be married by this point in my life.... and here I am not even to keep a girlfriend when I find one. Maybe its true that I am worth a lot to God but sometimes I dont feel like I am.... and I really wish that someone thought that I was worth fighting for.... but so far when things got tough, I was left on my own.....

I especially dont know what up with tonight..... Ive just had these tears welling up behind my eyes. I feel like its going to burst at any moment and Im just going to bawl.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28

I'm really having a problem understanding things going on in my life right now. Today this Scripture came to my mind but I could not remember where it was. As I layed down in my bed to go to bed, skipping my nightly Bible reading, I just kept hearing this over and over again.... there is just so much on me right now and I'm not seeing where the rest is coming. Thankfully, I finally realized that I needed to read so I picked up my Bible and read the story of Daniel in the lions den. God ministered to me that sometimes people are tricked into doing something that they wouldnt do if they knew the whole story. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how (or if) this applies.... but again, I kept thinking about the rest that God promised to the weary and burdened..... I turned to the back of the Bible to look at the topical index and looked under rest... my search didn't lead me to Matthew 11 but as in so many other cases, I ended up back at 1 Corinthians 13. To me, it is a supernatural phenomenon that I keep ending up at 1 Corinthians 13. No matter what I'm looking for, my search always ends up at that chapter -- or at least passes by. I have to be up in about 5 hours but it just kept running through my mind so I got up and searched biblegateway and found Matthew 11:28.... and now I'm blogging about, well, I dont even know.

I guess some of the things on my mind are just questioning why it seems like God isnt answering me and questioning what it is that He is trying to show me.... I feel like I'm backwards to my surroundings... which is most likely for a good reason... but I don't like self-centered people and yet, God puts me in NoVA which is the capital of self-centered people. God is definately trying to talk to me about love... but I don't understand what.... And if love is such a huge factor in my life, why is it that all of my relationships fall apart or are ripped away from me..... add to that why there are so many relationships that are so strong and yet an external force seperates it. Is God trying to show me what I'm doing wrong and I'm not listening? Is God trying to teach me something that I need to learn for the future? And why do these typical male sexual desires consume so much of me?

Aside from all of that, there are even more questions. Where am I supposed to be? When I was 15 I knew that God had a place for me in ministry.... Actually, it's where the base idea of RansomNet came about (http://www.ransomnet.org). What is my next step? Is it possible that I was wrong about what I felt I was called to.... or is where I'm at as far as I'm supposed to go in ministry? I don't feel it is.... but what does that mean? Does that mean that I need to go into full time ministry? But my jobs in corporate america have brought alot of things to the table and the contacts I have as a result have provided things that New Life would not have been able to do otherwise.... so corporate america is a big part of my ministry -- but is it supposed to stay that way?

Nothing I am questioning now is the result of anything going bad... I'm not depressed but I am confused. I am functioning and I'm trying to be as strong as I can be.... I know that my God will sustain me.... but I still question Matthew 11:28.

If anyone has anything to say about this, PLEASE leave a comment! I'm really starting to think I'm the only person alive in the blogosphere. I started blogging so that I could vent and hopefully help other people understand me... and it seemed like it worked for years but I dont even know when my last comment was.... Either way, I'll keep blogging.... this is the history of my life as well as an outlet.... but it would be so much nicer if I had feedback.... Just more rambling... don't think I'm mad at anyone :)

Ok, I really need to head to bed... hopefully now that I've spent a little time with God I'll be able to sleep.

Chelsey
??? - October 30th, 2006

I got a text message from my mom tonight that they had to put our dog to sleep. I've been emotionally struggling all night and I got the SMS and I just about burst into tears. I kind of expected that this was coming really soon since my sister had just told me a little bit ago that Chelsey was really sick.... I honestly had just hoped that I could make it up there this weekend to see her before they had to put her down.

Ive just been sitting at Taco Bell and this family was eating and it really got me in my heart. Having a family conversation and even just in watching them you could tell they had a genuine love for each other. I know absolutely nothing about these people but the father sure seems to be the ideal father... really interested in his daughters life and soft spoken but you can tell he leads his family. You just dont see that in this area too often.... actually, you dont see it anywhere much anymore.

I am so blessed to have grown up in the family I did. Words can not express how much I love my parents.... ok, they annoy me at times - but who doesnt? My parents really honestly love me. We all grew up on the poorer side of things... my dad being in his accident and put on disability in 1985.... but what my parents had they gave to me and my sisters.... the most important thing they gave us is their love.

So many things my parents did for us.... I remember while my dad was in rehab and the hospital after his wreck, he built a wooden rocking horse for my sisters and I. This is one of those things that chokes me up at times. And the time my sister really wanted something that was a hot seller... I cant remember what it was but I remember hearing about how he waited in line for the store to open and he ran back and grabbed the last one.... we all laughed about the thought of my dad running (those who dont know, he only has half of a knee and has a leg that is shorter - results of his wreck), but the thing was what he did for my sister.... my dad most likely was in pain after that... but my sister is what mattered. My mom is no different.... the big thing that I remember about my mom is finding out how she went without a lot of Christmases just so that she could buy more for my sisters and I.... When I hear the song "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong, my mom is who I think of.... I cry because I am reminded of how great my mom is.

I dont understand how so many people are blessed with great families and they dont appreciate them.... then there are those that have a horrible family life that wish they had a family to appreciate.

Ok... you have to love emails like this. So the deal is that PNC Bank is randomly picking days that you get double points when you use your check card. Ideally, you want to spend the most money on those days because you get more points for free stuff. So yesterday I got an email saying that Saturday was a mystery day! I payed my rent and such on that day so I was pretty excited. But then, apparently when the accountants got in today (of course its a monday) they must have realized that a lot of people spent money on that day so they had to immediately send out the following email:



Dear Robert Mertz,

CORRECTION REGARDING THE MOST RECENT "MYSTERY BONUS DAYS" EMAIL


The email sent on Sunday, October 29, 2006, was not correct. It stated that November 28 was a Mystery Bonus Day. This is incorrect. NOVEMBER 28 WILL NOT BE A MYSTERY BONUS DAY.

There have been three randomly selected Mystery Bonus Days thus far:

October 19
October 23
October 25

The Mystery Bonus Days promotion runs through December 31. Use your enrolled PNC Bank Visa(R) Check Card every day for qualified purchases* to make sure you earned double bonus points. You can track and redeem your points at www.pnc.com/extras or by calling 1-800-960-8472.


So if it was an error it apparently was a big one because I can't see a company making themselves look like asses unless it was to save a substantial amount of money.

(23:23:46) jodi: i kind of don't know what gopher is
(23:23:51) jodi: i've heard of it
(23:23:55) jodi: i know it's old school
(23:23:59) jodi: but i don't know what it is
(23:28:03) bobkmertz: the old web
(23:28:12) bobkmertz: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gopher_protocol
(23:29:08) jodi: hrm, okay
(23:29:21) jodi: thanks :)
(23:30:38) bobkmertz: np
(23:30:45) bobkmertz: I actually started using the internet with gopher
(23:31:30) bobkmertz: then I found a big book called "The Internet Yellow Pages" and the web was soooooo much more user friendly
(23:31:38) bobkmertz: and then came WebCrawler and the web was great
(23:31:48) bobkmertz: and AOL saw webcrawler and saw that it was good
(23:32:11) bobkmertz: so AOL bought webcrawler on the 7th day so that the world could rest by not being able to have something functional
(23:32:45) jodi: heh
(23:33:14) bobkmertz: then Digital Equipment saw that the web sucked again and teamed up for AltaVista
(23:33:39) bobkmertz: many other companies created search engines which were good
(23:33:50) bobkmertz: Compaq buys DEC and AltaVista begins to sucketh
(23:34:04) bobkmertz: Lycos realizes that search engines are great and work so they buy them all
(23:34:18) bobkmertz: And in the end times, it is said that there will come something great that will bring peace
(23:34:23) bobkmertz: Google has now come
(23:34:25) bobkmertz: and there is peace

So Im at Fuddruckers and I ordered the biggest burger they had..... the next thing I know someone takes a bun and wraps it around a cow. I assure you they led a cow into the oven.

The moral of the story is that a 1lb burger is a big ass burger! :)

Oh, and I ate it all!