*cries*

I just dont want to deal with anything anymore..... I just want it all to end.... just be done with it all.......

I dont wanna be me anymore.... I dont like my life :(

There is alot to say right now.... but im going to make it the shortest version possible.... I do need to eventually get to bed.

First of all.... during my dinner break I ran into two different people on different occasions and each one offered a very good job lead.... Was I looking for a job? Not in the slightest bit... but if oppritunity is knocking, I'm going to hand it to God and ask Him where He wants me to go. Both of these leads are with VERY large, world-wide companies.... everyone reading this (all 2 of you) has heard of both of these companies and in many cases, has dealt with them. I am not giving the names of these companies for various reasons. Neither of these are offers but they are good leads.... I am considering following them to see where they go. This is hard on me tho... it is very hard.... I am a very commiting person and that goes for jobs as well. Back when I had to quit the Donut Chef to go work for Pizza Hut, it was the hardest thing to do.... you add on to that how much I absolutely enjoy working for Carpathia and this makes this a very very very very hard decission to make.... and that is just whether I want to follow the lead or not.... no decissions being made of whether I am taking it yet or not.... This is hard.... What do I feel? I feel that I would really like to stick with Carpathia and totally ignore these leads.... but, when it boils down to it, I dont know if I should -- or even if I can. In both of these scenarios I am looking at approx a $10k-$20k salary increase. Not only is that something that I need but both of these companies offer amazing benefits. Carpathia has benefits but thats about it. I know I'm protected.... and they cover 100% of my premiums.... the problem is that I am spending more in co-pays than my previous insurance plans had in premiums.... I am not well covered... and I dont have vision or dental..... The money I make now.... yes, its a ton of money for those of you up in PA but Im starting to face the cold hard truth that it is very low income for this area..... I'm doing ok.... but im concerned.... I'm starting to migrate everything to me now and taking full responsibility for stuff... main thing being car insurance.... it's just getting rough... I can make it.... but, if oppritunity is knocking, I almost logically have to follow it. Perfect scenario would be a raise or something at Carpathia but according to company policy that can't happen until January.... This is a very hard decission that I really need to put some prayer into. I think that in the next day or two I'm going to update my resume and get ready to do something that I wasn't planning on doing for a while.... but I have to be ready if God says go....

I'm also realizing something else.... My move here to VA is starting to feel like my move to FL.... and in saying that, I mean that I feel like God is about to really teach me something drastic. When I moved to FL God really showed me alot about people... alot about the way He works in those people.... and alot about His grace... ALOT about His grace... I not only met people that were against my walk of life but I became friends with these people.... and God showed me in those times what His Love was all about.... The answer to helping people is not condeming them... it is loving them and being there for them. Now I find myself here in VA.... I have been thrown into a small culture shock... out of what I am used to.... God threw me out of my comfort zone to teach me something that I would never learn otherwise. I am finding that I am becoming friends with people that I never dreams I would associate with.... people that 6 months ago I would be affraid to even talk to.... but God is using the trust that I have always had to just grow something amazing. I see so much oppritunity in the people I associate with down here.....

God really is amazing.... My walk with Him is so... just not where it should be.... I struggle so hard with sin.... I struggle even more with picking up my Bible.... I want to get there again.... but I'm struggling so much..... but yet in all of that.... in my struggles.... in my defiance.... God is using me.... people have already told me that I have made an impact on their lives.... and I can see that He is setting something up that is even bigger.....

You know what part of a conversation was tonight? How I'm going to look at buying a house next year..... Am I serious? Well.... yea, I think so.... there is so much that I am learning... I learned so much about this area tonight that it's not even funny... Could I have a house in a year? Yes... I really do think that it's possible.... Maybe in that year Tiff will be down here with me too.... I dont know exactly what is coming... but I know that in 2 years I am going to look back and go "how did I get here?" ... God is doing so much.... and all the struggles that Tiff and I are having now.... it's making us stronger.... it's getting us ready for when we are both Virginians and we are both on fire for God..... I learned tonight in talking to my friend that the crap that you go through really defines who you are... and that includes the stuff that you bring on yourself. In the book of Job, he lost everything.... but in the end, God gave Him back more than he had.... and I think the common misconception is that God only gives back in scenarios where you are not at fault..... I dont believe that is true... because if God is one thing, He is graceful.... and I believe that when you lose absolutely everything, you will get more back than you had.... and if you lost everything because of your own stupidity, God's grace will cover that.....

I really need to get some sleep now..... this really just has been an amazing night/morning.... Please keep me in your prayers... especially with the job thing.... this is going to be a harder decission to make than it was to move down here.... I love Carpathia that much..... and I want to find an excuse to stay with them.... but at the same time, I have to be logical.....

To God be the Glory!

Everytime i go anywhere i always see at least one couple that hugs each other and gives each other a kiss.... they are glad to be together and not ashamed to show the world..... its so hard on me....... just so hard....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Why are the things that mean the most to you the things that cause you the most pain?

I really cant deal with another thing tonight.... ive had too much.... and its more and more evident that when I talk to people they dont really listen to my concerns for my sake but only so that they can find a clever way to throw my concerns back into my face.

I just feel like I had the typical psychologist response of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" or "thats not what makes a person beautiful" .... translated... your ugly as sin but I need to say something to make you feel better so I have to come up with a clever play on words.......

Im not well.... but i'll survive.... ive been through enough crap in my life.... I'm sure I can make it again.....

Why are the things that mean the most to you the things that cause you the most pain?

I really cant deal with another thing tonight.... ive had too much.... and its more and more evident that when I talk to people they dont really listen to my concerns for my sake but only so that they can find a clever way to throw my concerns back into my face.

I just feel like I had the typical psychologist response of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" or "thats not what makes a person beautiful" .... translated... your ugly as sin but I need to say something to make you feel better so I have to come up with a clever play on words.......

Im not well.... but i'll survive.... ive been through enough crap in my life.... I'm sure I can make it again.....

People have joked and said about how I have really been through more stuff in my life than many people at age 60 have been through..... Reality of that set in when I stopped by my mailbox just a few hours ago. Included in my stack of mail was a letter from AARP indicating that I was now eligible for a membership and instructed me to fill out the included application form....

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And we're live :)