Why does nobody want me? Whats wrong with me?

Walking with my head turned to the sky
A little piece of heaven in my eyes
I find...

With heaven comes an understanding
With heaven comes a hope of things to come
But sometimes heaven seems so far...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Standing at the edge of another day
Praying 'til my tears are washed away
I find...

With heaven comes a dream of someday
Standing with the angels all around
But sometimes dreams come tumbling down...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Don't let your dreams go tumbling down
With nothing to fall on

I have no clue how..... but God will get me through all of this....

on a side note... He'll get Tiff through this too.

I started the process of filling out my eHarmony payment... couldnt finish.... I dont know why.... I just dont know whats up with me....

Things are not well right now... I'm so confused as to what direction I need to go... My therapist appt is still a week away.... but I dont know if I can even go to that because I dont know if I can afford the co-payment.... I hate my life.

I just took 1.5mg of Xanax... thats 3 times my normal dose... I should be out cold here shortly.... I actually dont know why it hasnt kicked in yet... it sure hit me fast in the ER the last time they gave it to me.

I guess maybe I better leave Tiff alone if I'm gonna be like this.... sure she did her share of screwing up... but Im the one screwing up bad right now..... I dont want to... and I dont think she wants me to leave either... but for now... maybe its best.... I dunno... I'm debating it.... she really hasnt done anything to hurt me.... in fact it's been rather good.... but I just put too much pressure on her... whether I mean it or not... and whether its my actions or not.... I just need alot of prayer and guidance right now.... This may or may not be best... I guess I just need to pray about it.... eHarmony just sent me an offer for 2 weeks for $9.95... maybe I should try that?

All I do is screw up.... now ... ah hell with it.... why even blog... I just really screw everything up. I wish someone would shoot me.

Im so absolutely sick and tired of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im really not doing too well.... I just feel so lonely.... no matter that I have stuff to be happy about... I'm just not happy.... its really getting old... and Ive noticed my attention span is gone.... completely gone.... I cant concentrate on anything..... loneliness and a bad attention span.... just really bad....