Anyone who wants to pray for me... please do... financially..... I am having a REALLY rough time right now and I need lots of prayer and help. I'm actually scared :( Please pray for me.

Wow what a weekend. So Saturday morning I watched Eli.. we had a good time... went to get my grandfather's truck and he just loved riding in it. It was really fun.... then we moved some of Tanya's stuff to her mom's and left Eli there for Liz (Tanya's sister) to watch him over night since tanya had to work this morning.... well he cried and we almost didnt leave him but we eventually did... it was good that we did. We went to eat in murrysville, then got my car washed at Sheetz and started home. I was sitting at the red light in front of Delmont Wal-Mart and bam.... someone didnt feel like stopping at the light and rear ended us.... so yea, my Elantra has had her first accident. We pulled off to the side and I got all of the guy's information. As we started home Tanya's neck started hurting her so we ended up in the ER for a few hours. She has whiplash... she has been in a good amount of pain today. So then, today we go to Eckerd to get her perscription filled that the ER doctor gave her... my sister, Lori, works there so we are talking to her... then all of a sudden my phone rings and it's my mom. She says "you're just really not meant to have a car" ... I was a bit confused and then realize what she meant when she told me that my uncle backed into my other car at home. I still own my cavalier as a back up car.... so basically, both of my cars were hit.... they were hit while they were sitting still.... and both hit within 24 hours of each other.... So yea, it was an exciting weekend.

Overall... life is still very good. I love my "new life" ... Tanya and Eli are so special to me and they ... well, just everything is great.... I couldnt ask for more right now.

So many great things happened yesterday! First Jason and I had a conversation about me and Tanya. It's refreshing to know that he actually sees some positive in this too and he's not being critical. It really did occur to me during that conversation that I was not completely happy with being with Tiff. I loved her so incredibly much and I really wanted to be with her but there was a lack of commitment from her and that really bugged me.... but because I loved her, I stuck with her. I enjoyed alot of my time with her. And yes, sometimes I do miss that..... but during that conversation I realized that I am happy now.... I am 100% happy with everything. Tanya makes me happy.... Eli makes me happy.... my jobs make me happy..... I am content and happy. I couldnt ask for more.

Last night I took Tanya out to Dave and Buster's for her birthday. We had such a great time. Its been a while since I was able to relax and just have fun with someone very special in my life. She fits so well in my life.... and it seems I fit well in hers. We enjoy alot of the same stuff.... we just really connect.

Again I sit back and wonder... why did I go through all of this? Well, its really starting to occur to me. Hypothetically, lets say Tanya and I are the ones to be together forever (which is not far fetched). If that is the case, then I really needed to be prepared for this situation.... and that was done by all my previous situations. Had this been my first relationship, it never would have worked.... actually, I would have run from this scenario. Eli would have scared me away, but in fact, Eli is part of the reason I am happy now. I needed all my previous (horrible) situations in order to be prepared for what could be the greatest one ever.

And Tanya.... Happy Birthday! I love you and I hope you have a very special day! I miss you!

My life...... IS GREAT :)

As of Saturday (May 29), Tanya and I are official! Everything just snapped and continues to snap into place for all of this. Tanya is quite possibly one of the best girls in the world... and with her comes the cutest little boy anyone would ever meet! I really am starting to understand how parents feel. No, I am not Eli's daddy, nor will he (probably) ever call me that.... but I feel like a daddy. Eli means that much to me. He cries everytime I leave..... today he wouldnt let mommy bath him... he wanted me to. Things like that make you feel so special. The best part is that Tanya does everything she can to make me feel special too.... and I do the same for both of them. Indeed, we are like a little family. I never saw myself in this scenario.... in fact, this is the exact scenario that I would have ran away from.... but I fell into it... and I am so glad I did because it fits me like a glove. It's like I have everything that I ever wanted. And for those of you who know me and like to ask these two questions..... she will be 24 on Jan 2 (about a week and a half younger than me) and she lives about 10 miles from me! Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. Continue to do so but I want everyone to know that I am happy.... I am very happy.... VERY VERY happy! :)

Well, since her birthday is Wed, Im taking her out tomorrow..... which I guess is technically today.... I need sleep.... 4 year olds can wear you out (but in a very good way). Good night everyone!

So Tiff called me tonight..... she hung up a few seconds later tho. Can you say TICKED OFF? If you pick up the phone to call someone you generally call to talk..... but apparently she just wanted to hang up on me again..... I guess she gets a thrill out of that or something..... whatever...... Ive tried to email her a couple times too.... guess she blocked my email address or changed hers or something.... no luck there.... which makes me wonder why she even called me. gosh im so upset... if she wanted to talk to me... why didnt she talk?! Now of course my mind is going again.... gotta get up at 5am but I betcha I wont be able to sleep.

Oh yea and more family crap too..... came home to my mom crying...... things are just out of control.... 1> I'm not taking any sides right now and 2> I cant share anything here :(

Ok... bad night.... bed time.... I hope to God I can sleep......

I'm happy.... I'm very happy! :) Someone is really making me feel special.... more than I have had in a VERY long time!

Last night I had yet another Tiff-related dream. This one took on a new twist, however. Somehow Tanya and I were at a store and we ran into Tiff. Tiff and I talked for a few mins and we both connected again. We looked deep into each other's eyes... we were ready to kiss... and we both knew we were back together again. I was very happy. I couldnt believe that my dreams were coming true again.... but then she said something. I cant remember the word for word of what she said but she denied that she did anything wrong. She wouldnt take any blame for what happened. Basically she said that it was not her that threw it away. At that moment I looked at Tanya and said "lets go" ... and we left..... I walked away from Tiff again.

Now who is Tanya? Tanya is quickly becoming a very good friend of mine. Her and her almost 4 year old boy, Eli. Over the last week I have spent alot of time with them... and I have enjoyed every moment of it. Tanya has been going through alot of the same stuff that I have. Her ex-husband Chris did very similar stuff to her that Tiff did to me. Its become a very nice release for both of us. We enjoy our time together, talk about our problems, and we have fun doing it. Where is this going? Dont ask that yet.... I dont know. Truth is, im not over Tiff.... the other truth is that Tanya is not over Chris. Im just going to put this in God's hands. I dont know where it will end up.... I actually have to see what Tiff will do in the next few weeks. She has called my mom a couple times. I guess this is just her time to show me how much I meant to her.... I'm not expecting much tho.... Im feeling stronger and stronger each day that Tiff never really did love me. When you love someone you sometimes do put them through pain..... but not what she did to me. And especially not multiple times.

Date me and get a free phone.....

Well, thats at least what they told me I should run in my personal ad. I still dont know what to do with that cell phone.... we'll figure it out.

"Happy Birthday, Bob. Tiff is here to see you. She wants to be with you forever. She will not hurt you again, and she's got this special day all planned out for you" -- Ok, so yea.... it's VERY wishful thinking.... in about a week, I guess I would like to hear that....

Reality tho.... I dont think Tiff wants me back. She left all of this go way to easily.... if she was able to let go of me that easily, there is no way she would want me back.

Would I take her back? I know, I know..... but the answer is... yes...... I love her that much... I love her so much that I would risk being hurt again. HOWEVER... if... and I say IF it does come to that.... there will be some MAJOR demands that I make.... if she loves me, she'll want to follow them. Honestly tho, I'm preparing myself for that to never happen. She wont want to come back..... if she does she wont make the move.... and if she does make the move, she wont want to work with me on my demands.... therefore, I will continue to date other girls like I have been....

Why am I writing this now? I gotta get up at 5:30am.... and I cant sleep..... but yet im tired! *sigh*