Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
So things are better this morning.... thats the good news. This weekend really kicked my butt even tho there were exciting things that happened and I guess I was just so worn out last night that I over-reacted to some things. While there were things that incredibly hurt me, my interpretation of those things was incorrectly estimated.
It's a new day and a new week.... and I got a new car. Life is just about moving on, I suppose, and making the best of the situation we're in.
It's a new day and a new week.... and I got a new car. Life is just about moving on, I suppose, and making the best of the situation we're in.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
I'm on that emotional roller coaster that I get on oh so often.... Don't even really know how to feel. I got a car today which is really awesome.... it was a crazy scenario tho... the car I wanted to by (A Chevy Tracker) was $400 too cheap.... yes, I was told by Capital One that I could not buy it because it was too cheap. I ended up finding a Suzuki Grand Vitara at CarMax in Dulles and even tho it's a V6, I think it's turning out to be the best option anyway.
I really don't have much of an idea of what is going on in my life tho.... I mean, it just seems like history repeats it's self over and over again and I end up hurting people when it's the last thing I want to do. I really feel like I'm not really a huge benefit to anyone and I feel like I just inconvience people when I have my own problems. I had a scare this week on July 4th.... there were some concerns about internal bleeding and I spent a good 4 hours in the ER. Adding to that is that July 4th is one of my favorite holidays and I ended up going to bed well before fireworks. Maybe a lot of my emotional confusion is tied to what ever is happening physiologically -- which they still don't know the answer to. It's really hard when you're worried about something and there is no one there to support you.... and it's hard to realize that when you want nothing more than to be there for someone all you end up doing is causing damage.
I guess the biggest thing I feel right now is guilt.... Whether I should or shouldn't, I feel guilty because I want a friend that is beside me and that I mean something to. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not worthy of it and I end up feeling guilty because I want what I don't deserve. It hurts me when I hurt someone.... and I just can't seem to fix whatever it is that is wrong with me.
There still are some very exciting things happening in my life and I am excited about those.... but at the same time, I'm scared to death emotionally because, well, what's the point of it all? If whatever I do is not helping someone then there is no point and if I have no point then what is the purpose of my life?
I really don't have much of an idea of what is going on in my life tho.... I mean, it just seems like history repeats it's self over and over again and I end up hurting people when it's the last thing I want to do. I really feel like I'm not really a huge benefit to anyone and I feel like I just inconvience people when I have my own problems. I had a scare this week on July 4th.... there were some concerns about internal bleeding and I spent a good 4 hours in the ER. Adding to that is that July 4th is one of my favorite holidays and I ended up going to bed well before fireworks. Maybe a lot of my emotional confusion is tied to what ever is happening physiologically -- which they still don't know the answer to. It's really hard when you're worried about something and there is no one there to support you.... and it's hard to realize that when you want nothing more than to be there for someone all you end up doing is causing damage.
I guess the biggest thing I feel right now is guilt.... Whether I should or shouldn't, I feel guilty because I want a friend that is beside me and that I mean something to. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not worthy of it and I end up feeling guilty because I want what I don't deserve. It hurts me when I hurt someone.... and I just can't seem to fix whatever it is that is wrong with me.
There still are some very exciting things happening in my life and I am excited about those.... but at the same time, I'm scared to death emotionally because, well, what's the point of it all? If whatever I do is not helping someone then there is no point and if I have no point then what is the purpose of my life?
Saturday, July 07, 2007
I'm 24, and I have ADD and coasterphobia. My girlfriend is a fanatic who loves all the rides. I haven't been on a roller coaster in 12 years, and the last time, I got off a ride dizzy and unable to see or walk right. I now go along on park trips for a nice day out—but end up wishing I'd stayed home. I sit there hating myself when I have to see people thrilled by my terror. She expects me to be excited for her after she gets off a ride; that's asking me to ignore my feelings. I want to do rides and enjoy life like normal people.
I hate to break it to you, but there is plenty of excitement outside of amusement parks, and it is perfectly possible to live a full life without ever going on another roller-coaster ride. Roller coasters are designed to turn fear into fun. Obviously, it's not your brand of fun; that is nothing to be ashamed of. It's inconsiderate of your girlfriend to insist on going someplace that feels like torture for you—and it's self-abuse that you agree to go along. Your needs and wishes deserve as much consideration as hers in planning how to spend time together. Your social life is something you should be jointly negotiating. Start speaking up for your own needs in this (or any) relationship—and respect yourself enough to believe they deserve equal play. Your girlfriend can go to amusement parks with others. You need to be spending time together doing things that satisfy you both. That she ignores and even enjoys your discomfort suggests you're in the wrong fun house altogether. If you feel she has redeeming virtues, then at the very least, don't collaborate in her willingness to unnerve you; next time she wants to go for scary rides, tell her you prefer to seek amusement elsewhere on your own.
Advice: Ups and Downs of Fun (Psychology Today)
I hate to break it to you, but there is plenty of excitement outside of amusement parks, and it is perfectly possible to live a full life without ever going on another roller-coaster ride. Roller coasters are designed to turn fear into fun. Obviously, it's not your brand of fun; that is nothing to be ashamed of. It's inconsiderate of your girlfriend to insist on going someplace that feels like torture for you—and it's self-abuse that you agree to go along. Your needs and wishes deserve as much consideration as hers in planning how to spend time together. Your social life is something you should be jointly negotiating. Start speaking up for your own needs in this (or any) relationship—and respect yourself enough to believe they deserve equal play. Your girlfriend can go to amusement parks with others. You need to be spending time together doing things that satisfy you both. That she ignores and even enjoys your discomfort suggests you're in the wrong fun house altogether. If you feel she has redeeming virtues, then at the very least, don't collaborate in her willingness to unnerve you; next time she wants to go for scary rides, tell her you prefer to seek amusement elsewhere on your own.
Advice: Ups and Downs of Fun (Psychology Today)
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Don't leave me now my memories are more than I can take tonight
And God show me how I'm supposed to trust in things beyond my sight
So teach me how to kneel when I don't know how to feel
and show me where you are when my faith can't reach that far,
my faith can't reach that far
And tell me there is more to this life than only what my heart can see
take all these fears make them into more than who I used to be
is my soul to blind too see the truth you have for me cause this peace I feel
inside is too weak to survive
My heart has left me alone again is this the beginning? Is this the end?
Is this the time you'll never let me in again?
"Reach That Far" by Eleventyseven
And God show me how I'm supposed to trust in things beyond my sight
So teach me how to kneel when I don't know how to feel
and show me where you are when my faith can't reach that far,
my faith can't reach that far
And tell me there is more to this life than only what my heart can see
take all these fears make them into more than who I used to be
is my soul to blind too see the truth you have for me cause this peace I feel
inside is too weak to survive
My heart has left me alone again is this the beginning? Is this the end?
Is this the time you'll never let me in again?
"Reach That Far" by Eleventyseven
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.Isaiah 40:31
Sometimes God tells us stuff and does stuff that we wouldnt expect. Usually when we are losing our hope, the reminder that there is hope comes in the strangest for.
The strange form tonight was seeing the movie "Evan Almighty" .... Ashley and I went to see it and let me first off say that it is BY far my new favorite movie. I have never laughed so hard in my life..... Despite all the humor, I left the theater crying..... Don't worry -- the chances of you crying about the movie are pretty slim... it really was an excellent movie and everyone should go see it.
The thing is, I have been really questioning my purpose and my worth. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend and he gave me some really solid Biblical advice but at the same time, he really questioned my ability to do something.... something that I was already questioning myself about but something that I really shouldn't have been questioning. While I really appreciated him for caring about me, I left the conversation somewhat hurt. Later that added to a lot of other things that had me really questioning my purpose and whether I really am doing the right thing in certain situations.
--- SPOILER WARNING : Movie ending revealed ---
The basic story line of Evan Almighty is the story of Noah. God commands Evan to build an Ark in -- none other than NoVA. He continually fights it and later is convinced that he just needs to do it. The entire world ridicules him and fellow congressmen get a court order to destroy the ark. Amongst all of this ridicule, Evan expects to see the world destroyed. Kind of reminds me of Jonah. The thing is, God wasn't going to flood the world again.... He promised that by the rainbow. So Evan is standing on his ark telling everyone they need to get in and they dont believe him.... suddenly it starts storming... people get concerned but when the storm ends just 30 seconds later, the laugh at Evan and his family even harder. When the neighboring dam breaks and people are running into his ark, it's a different story.
--- END SPOILER WARNING ---
Immediately I recognized myself being in the position of Noah and of Evan. I know that what I have done and the way I'm handling things is the way God is guiding me to -- or at least my heart is in the right place. I'm also reminded of Abraham and how he was supposed to sacrifice his son to the Lord. Why would God ask Abraham to do something that is clearly against the law and against the commandments God had set? Well, God knew it wasnt going to be follow through because He sent an angel to stop Abraham. God just wanted to test Abraham's faith -- and he passed. But can you imagine his family and friends? They'd be calling the cops... I know I would.
The last week or so I have really felt like I didn't have any meaning in my life... that the things I was doing really didnt mean anything at all. How were my actions going to affect the rest of the world? God reminded me of the chain reaction.... The chain of love.... just like the country song goes.... Little tiny things happen that change the entire course of the world. Maybe you buy flowers for someone that cheers them up and they end up going to hang out instead of staying at home and then have a conversation with someone that later goes on to find the cure for cancer.... Because someone bought flowers, cancer is cured years later. These things happen... they really do. The Acts of Random Kindness that we do create amazing ripple effects -- and we may not even know the full extent of them.
I left Evan Almighty crying because God had reminded me that no matter how small what I'm doing is and no matter how wrong everyone else thinks it is, I am following my heart and I am serving people who need to be served. In those tears, Ashley looks at her watch and goes "oh crap! I forgot the metro quits running ad midnight" .... no worries, I just take her in to DC and drop her off at her apartment. On my way home I make my typical stop at the Sheetz in Harmarket and when I pull in there are at least 8 or 9 cop cars in the lot with lights going, etc.... I go in to get my sweet tea and I half jokingly asked the clerk what you have to do to get the attention of that many cops.... her response is "a double stabbing" .... I was blown away.... just a little bit before I stopped at Sheetz, two people were stabbed in the parking lot. If I didnt have to take Ashley in to DC, would I have been the one to be stabbed? Even if I wasn't the one to be stabbed, how would I have been able to live after witnessing something like that. Maybe its still a little far fetch but the truth is that may well have been the case.
No matter how small we think what we are doing is or how meaningless we feel, we may be creating the ripple effect that really does save the world -- whether we know it or not. God reminded me of this and really did renew my strength by something as simple as a movie.
Sometimes God tells us stuff and does stuff that we wouldnt expect. Usually when we are losing our hope, the reminder that there is hope comes in the strangest for.
The strange form tonight was seeing the movie "Evan Almighty" .... Ashley and I went to see it and let me first off say that it is BY far my new favorite movie. I have never laughed so hard in my life..... Despite all the humor, I left the theater crying..... Don't worry -- the chances of you crying about the movie are pretty slim... it really was an excellent movie and everyone should go see it.
The thing is, I have been really questioning my purpose and my worth. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend and he gave me some really solid Biblical advice but at the same time, he really questioned my ability to do something.... something that I was already questioning myself about but something that I really shouldn't have been questioning. While I really appreciated him for caring about me, I left the conversation somewhat hurt. Later that added to a lot of other things that had me really questioning my purpose and whether I really am doing the right thing in certain situations.
--- SPOILER WARNING : Movie ending revealed ---
The basic story line of Evan Almighty is the story of Noah. God commands Evan to build an Ark in -- none other than NoVA. He continually fights it and later is convinced that he just needs to do it. The entire world ridicules him and fellow congressmen get a court order to destroy the ark. Amongst all of this ridicule, Evan expects to see the world destroyed. Kind of reminds me of Jonah. The thing is, God wasn't going to flood the world again.... He promised that by the rainbow. So Evan is standing on his ark telling everyone they need to get in and they dont believe him.... suddenly it starts storming... people get concerned but when the storm ends just 30 seconds later, the laugh at Evan and his family even harder. When the neighboring dam breaks and people are running into his ark, it's a different story.
--- END SPOILER WARNING ---
Immediately I recognized myself being in the position of Noah and of Evan. I know that what I have done and the way I'm handling things is the way God is guiding me to -- or at least my heart is in the right place. I'm also reminded of Abraham and how he was supposed to sacrifice his son to the Lord. Why would God ask Abraham to do something that is clearly against the law and against the commandments God had set? Well, God knew it wasnt going to be follow through because He sent an angel to stop Abraham. God just wanted to test Abraham's faith -- and he passed. But can you imagine his family and friends? They'd be calling the cops... I know I would.
The last week or so I have really felt like I didn't have any meaning in my life... that the things I was doing really didnt mean anything at all. How were my actions going to affect the rest of the world? God reminded me of the chain reaction.... The chain of love.... just like the country song goes.... Little tiny things happen that change the entire course of the world. Maybe you buy flowers for someone that cheers them up and they end up going to hang out instead of staying at home and then have a conversation with someone that later goes on to find the cure for cancer.... Because someone bought flowers, cancer is cured years later. These things happen... they really do. The Acts of Random Kindness that we do create amazing ripple effects -- and we may not even know the full extent of them.
I left Evan Almighty crying because God had reminded me that no matter how small what I'm doing is and no matter how wrong everyone else thinks it is, I am following my heart and I am serving people who need to be served. In those tears, Ashley looks at her watch and goes "oh crap! I forgot the metro quits running ad midnight" .... no worries, I just take her in to DC and drop her off at her apartment. On my way home I make my typical stop at the Sheetz in Harmarket and when I pull in there are at least 8 or 9 cop cars in the lot with lights going, etc.... I go in to get my sweet tea and I half jokingly asked the clerk what you have to do to get the attention of that many cops.... her response is "a double stabbing" .... I was blown away.... just a little bit before I stopped at Sheetz, two people were stabbed in the parking lot. If I didnt have to take Ashley in to DC, would I have been the one to be stabbed? Even if I wasn't the one to be stabbed, how would I have been able to live after witnessing something like that. Maybe its still a little far fetch but the truth is that may well have been the case.
No matter how small we think what we are doing is or how meaningless we feel, we may be creating the ripple effect that really does save the world -- whether we know it or not. God reminded me of this and really did renew my strength by something as simple as a movie.
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