Well today went downhill really quick.... and I don't think Tiff has any desire to pull out of this one.....
..... Why cant I have a day that goes smooth for me?
Monday, June 06, 2005
The interviews went really well.... really well....
Then I get home and find out that Tiff isnt coming down now... so I wont see her again for like a month.... but I kinda expected this summer to be a pain so it's par for the course... what really bugged me is she didnt even call to talk about it.... she just text'd me and that was that..... Kinda worries me after she called crying last night and then didnt answer when i called back... I still dont know whats wrong.....
.... maybe i'm over reacting... I dunno.... but my life has this horrible balance... if something really good happens, something equally bad is coming my way very quickly.
*sigh*
Then I get home and find out that Tiff isnt coming down now... so I wont see her again for like a month.... but I kinda expected this summer to be a pain so it's par for the course... what really bugged me is she didnt even call to talk about it.... she just text'd me and that was that..... Kinda worries me after she called crying last night and then didnt answer when i called back... I still dont know whats wrong.....
.... maybe i'm over reacting... I dunno.... but my life has this horrible balance... if something really good happens, something equally bad is coming my way very quickly.
*sigh*
Wow is it early..... whew.....
Either way, I'm up. I have my first meeting for this string of interviews at 10:30 this morning. Figured I better force myself to go to bed early so I could get up early enough to wake up and get ready for the interviews.
It's sad all over again that I might be leaving Carpathia.... but I was going through my bills two nights ago and there just is no way.... I cant afford it..... God always provides... sometimes that means making a change at his lead.... maybe leaving Carpathia is that change.... we'll see what happens today.
I'm still not feeling real well.... I woke up yesterday sick and apparently again today... I'll be fine tho.... Tiff called last night and left me a voice mail... she was upset... I tried calling her back a little while after but she didnt answer. I had some trouble falling back to sleep because I was worried about her.... when I woke up she had sent me some text messages that she was ok. At least I get to see her tonight.
Well Im gonna go hop in the shower... hopefully that will help me feel a little better.
Keep me in your prayers today, please.
Either way, I'm up. I have my first meeting for this string of interviews at 10:30 this morning. Figured I better force myself to go to bed early so I could get up early enough to wake up and get ready for the interviews.
It's sad all over again that I might be leaving Carpathia.... but I was going through my bills two nights ago and there just is no way.... I cant afford it..... God always provides... sometimes that means making a change at his lead.... maybe leaving Carpathia is that change.... we'll see what happens today.
I'm still not feeling real well.... I woke up yesterday sick and apparently again today... I'll be fine tho.... Tiff called last night and left me a voice mail... she was upset... I tried calling her back a little while after but she didnt answer. I had some trouble falling back to sleep because I was worried about her.... when I woke up she had sent me some text messages that she was ok. At least I get to see her tonight.
Well Im gonna go hop in the shower... hopefully that will help me feel a little better.
Keep me in your prayers today, please.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
It was freaking over 90° today! At one point I saw accu-weather's RealFeel index at 105° .... crazy
Anyway, church was as awesome as always. I really believe that I found a great church.... not just one that I leave service walking away with something but one that makes me want to go..... it's a place that I actually enjoy going to enough that it will get me out of bed even when I had no sleep....
Something big hit me today.... and actually it kinda topped off me watching Prozac Nation last night. I have struggles.... I have some struggles that almost every other guy faces (porn, etc) and I have struggles that aren't so common (ADHD, BiPolar, or whatever else the heck is wrong with my brain).... but Paul said it best... "In my weakness I am strong" ... I guess this kinda collaberates with the first chapter of my favorite book of the Bible, James, when it is said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials and tribulations". I dont think it's any kind of a secret that I deal with alot day in and day out. Most people who know me know that as a fact. There are plenty of people out there that suffer more than me but based on the average, I probably suffer and deal with alot more.
So what's the deal? Well.... I learned that I really need to start focusing on the joy.... I need to realize that because I am weak and because God is saying no to some of my prayers, and so on that I really am strong. Brett put it best in church today by some of the analogies he gave.... and it really does make sense.... Persistance is what matters..... I am strong because of my weaknesses.... sometimes I am forced to put things in God's Hands when I just dont feel like it... and that, of course, makes me stronger...... There are also times that I learn from the pains I go through and I think this may be the primary reasons for my struggles... I look back at one aspect of my life, relationships, and I look at some of the people that I have been able to help.... and I realize that had I not gone through the hell that I have been through time after time, I would not have been able to help as many people that I have..... It is those things that have shaped me.... those things made Bob K Mertz who he is today.... Granted, there still is alot of negative stuff too, but im working on that... and I thank God that I have a woman beside me who isnt letting go of me... whether I'm scared she's going to leave or not. I know some things I need to work on.... and I'm going to. I also looked for that book I mentioned a few posts ago but couldnt find it locally so I ordered it from Amazon and it should be here sometime this week.
Thats enough of my rambling for now... Tiff just called and I have to call her back.... Have a great week, everyone!
Anyway, church was as awesome as always. I really believe that I found a great church.... not just one that I leave service walking away with something but one that makes me want to go..... it's a place that I actually enjoy going to enough that it will get me out of bed even when I had no sleep....
Something big hit me today.... and actually it kinda topped off me watching Prozac Nation last night. I have struggles.... I have some struggles that almost every other guy faces (porn, etc) and I have struggles that aren't so common (ADHD, BiPolar, or whatever else the heck is wrong with my brain).... but Paul said it best... "In my weakness I am strong" ... I guess this kinda collaberates with the first chapter of my favorite book of the Bible, James, when it is said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials and tribulations". I dont think it's any kind of a secret that I deal with alot day in and day out. Most people who know me know that as a fact. There are plenty of people out there that suffer more than me but based on the average, I probably suffer and deal with alot more.
So what's the deal? Well.... I learned that I really need to start focusing on the joy.... I need to realize that because I am weak and because God is saying no to some of my prayers, and so on that I really am strong. Brett put it best in church today by some of the analogies he gave.... and it really does make sense.... Persistance is what matters..... I am strong because of my weaknesses.... sometimes I am forced to put things in God's Hands when I just dont feel like it... and that, of course, makes me stronger...... There are also times that I learn from the pains I go through and I think this may be the primary reasons for my struggles... I look back at one aspect of my life, relationships, and I look at some of the people that I have been able to help.... and I realize that had I not gone through the hell that I have been through time after time, I would not have been able to help as many people that I have..... It is those things that have shaped me.... those things made Bob K Mertz who he is today.... Granted, there still is alot of negative stuff too, but im working on that... and I thank God that I have a woman beside me who isnt letting go of me... whether I'm scared she's going to leave or not. I know some things I need to work on.... and I'm going to. I also looked for that book I mentioned a few posts ago but couldnt find it locally so I ordered it from Amazon and it should be here sometime this week.
Thats enough of my rambling for now... Tiff just called and I have to call her back.... Have a great week, everyone!
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I dont understand.... what I dont understand is why they have not released "Prozac Nation" on DVD. Maybe it is a questionable film..... but its questionable only in that people dont want to see the truth about what is going on.
After almost a year of searching and trying to find a copy of this movie I finally found it and got the oppritunity to watch it tonight. It is a movie that everyone in the world needs to watch. People dont understand what is going on in other's lives... especially some of those lives that they are closest to. There is a world hidden.... hidden by the fact that those that are "ok" don't want to see something that is not ok.....
When they finally decide to release this movie on DVD, YOU NEED TO BUY IT... in fact, I think so strongly that everyone needs to see this that I will send anyone a copy that wants it. This movie will definately give you a glimpse of what some people deal with.... only a glimpse... but that is more than people see in their every day lives.
Please.... email me if you want a copy....
After almost a year of searching and trying to find a copy of this movie I finally found it and got the oppritunity to watch it tonight. It is a movie that everyone in the world needs to watch. People dont understand what is going on in other's lives... especially some of those lives that they are closest to. There is a world hidden.... hidden by the fact that those that are "ok" don't want to see something that is not ok.....
When they finally decide to release this movie on DVD, YOU NEED TO BUY IT... in fact, I think so strongly that everyone needs to see this that I will send anyone a copy that wants it. This movie will definately give you a glimpse of what some people deal with.... only a glimpse... but that is more than people see in their every day lives.
Please.... email me if you want a copy....
Thursday, June 02, 2005
In the book Hiding From Love, Dr. John Townsend, co-director for the Minirth-Meier Clinics, writes: "When we hide, a part of our character is pushed away from relationship into a spiritual darkness called isolation. The isolation of some part of our soul from love will always produce a problem. This makes sense, because whatever is isolated from nourishment remains broken and undeveloped. In the physical world, we call this malnutrition. Spiritual and emotional malnutrition are just as destructive."
I think on my way to work I might have to stop at Family Christian Stores and pick this one up.... I hate to read but maybe this will be one thats worth forcing myself to read.
I think on my way to work I might have to stop at Family Christian Stores and pick this one up.... I hate to read but maybe this will be one thats worth forcing myself to read.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I can't even begin to say how much I believe this song is true in my own life. I have literally been through hell when it comes to relationships.... and that past still haunts me today.... it still causes problems.... it still scares me alot.... but to think that I found a girl who really tries to understand and, despite the hell that my past has put her through, she is still there.... she is still mine... she still wants to be with me.... even when I dont want to be with myself.
I love you Tiff -- more than you know -- more than you will ever know..... I get scared that your actions don't show that you love me..... but I'm just starting to realize that my actions nowhere near show you how I feel....
It's June 1st.... we now have made it past the cursed month of May :)
Did I mention I love you, Tiff? *hugz* *kiss* You mean the world to me.... every part of you.... you mean so incredibly much to me.... You're such a beautiful person.... both inside and out.... When your near me, I can't take my eyes off of you and my heart won't let go..... When your not near me, I wish you were close by.... and I dream of a time when we will wake up together..... My goal in life has always been to be the best husband and father that I could be.... I want you to give me that oppritunity, Tiff.... No one else... Just you!
God blessed the broken road that I been through.... It led me to you, Tiff.... and I tip my hat to the Keeper for it.
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I can't even begin to say how much I believe this song is true in my own life. I have literally been through hell when it comes to relationships.... and that past still haunts me today.... it still causes problems.... it still scares me alot.... but to think that I found a girl who really tries to understand and, despite the hell that my past has put her through, she is still there.... she is still mine... she still wants to be with me.... even when I dont want to be with myself.
I love you Tiff -- more than you know -- more than you will ever know..... I get scared that your actions don't show that you love me..... but I'm just starting to realize that my actions nowhere near show you how I feel....
It's June 1st.... we now have made it past the cursed month of May :)
Did I mention I love you, Tiff? *hugz* *kiss* You mean the world to me.... every part of you.... you mean so incredibly much to me.... You're such a beautiful person.... both inside and out.... When your near me, I can't take my eyes off of you and my heart won't let go..... When your not near me, I wish you were close by.... and I dream of a time when we will wake up together..... My goal in life has always been to be the best husband and father that I could be.... I want you to give me that oppritunity, Tiff.... No one else... Just you!
God blessed the broken road that I been through.... It led me to you, Tiff.... and I tip my hat to the Keeper for it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)