I thought maybe a good nights rest and maybe keeping myself busy would help....

... nah

I'm still an emotional wreck... I think im still functioning ok... anyone around me probably has no clue how bad I really am.... but I'm sure its gonna catch up on me.... the last two days have emotionally worn me out... Friday night killed me.... yesterday was great seeing my sweetheart graduate but... it also was the beginning of what could be the worst summer of my life.... Tiff's with her parents and ... well, I know she say.... ahh.... just nevermind.... Everything is always better if I just keep my mouth shut and not let anyone know how I really feel.....

So this is day 3 of complete emotional distress.... I really have not felt this sad in a long time.... Probably has been back in 1999 when I was moving to FL.... I have cried myself to sleep the last two nights.... I have not had this many tears shed in a long time.... having to sneak out of certain places just so I can cry because I just cant hold back the tears anymore.... and its hard that you cant just cry anywhere.... its been hard holding it back when ive been in those situations....

What scares me the most? I have no desire for anything anymore.... not looking forward to anything... nothing really to look forward to.... There is just no desire anymore... nothing to motivate me for anything....

Im on my way out of lock haven for probably the last time.... monday or tuesday i go back to leesburg.. tiff is already in dubois..... so starts another very painful summer.....

i dont want to go through this summer. will i make it... sure i will.... but i dont want to have to endure it... i dont want this summer to start.....

so far im a half hour out of lh and the whole trip has been tears.... depression has taken quite a hold on me... i dont want to deal with this summer.

im in pain... more emotional pain than you can even imagine. last night my heart was crushed... i had been hurt more than i had in a long time. what so many people would be grateful for some things but.... well.... i want to express myself but all i do is create pain.... instead of thanks i get... sigh.... i just want things to be different..... but they arent gonna be... no matter what i decide ill be in pain.

i just dont want this summer to come but it is already upon me. i have entered my state of mere existance.....

Well they did it... lori and tiff are now graduates of lock haven university.

for the first time in a long time i had tears in my eyes for something good.... when tiff walked off stage i cried. ive watched her go through most of it. i am so proud of her..... she is just so amazing.

This is such a special day for so many people..... why am i so depressed? there is so much on my mind.... as much as i tried to hide it i was absolutely crushed yesterday... i really dont know if things are ever going to change. i just hurt so bad emotionally right now.

despite all that i am really proud of both tiff and my sister..... i just wish i was in a better mood for them.

It's starting all over again..... the thing that started years of hell in my life.... its starting again.... same scenario..... and im scared..... I want to keep going on with it but so badly do I believe that bailing out might save my life.....

Decissions are going to be made in the next few weeks.... very very important and powerful decissions.... I am scared to death..... it's possible that nothing in my life will be the same after these decissions are made. There are decissions that affect Tiff and myself, my employment, my life, my walk with God, etc, etc.

It seems that God sets up check points in my life..... when I hit these checkpoints, my life completely spins around.... I dont understand it.... its hard to live that way when you are a very commiting person.... but this is just how it occurs for me. Tonight I hit one of those checkpoints.... as Tiff and I were having a very very important and scary conversation, I was being bombed with other stuff in email for unrelated decissions......

Everyone, please keep me in your prayers..... I've got alot of decissions that I need to make..... the scary part is.... my Walk with God is not where it should be to make those decissions.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

In my heart, that is what I believe right now.... new things.... they are occuring all around me... my life has changed.... im in situations now that I never thought I would be in.... situations where people may have never even pictured me in.... I am making friends with people that just.... they arent the type of friends I expected to have..... and the biggest new thing of all... my church. Many people couldnt fathom the way this church is... it's different.... its not your typical church.... but God is certainly in it.... God is doing a new thing in my life.... he is doing a new thing with New Life Christian Church.... its a miracle that we found each other because it all fits so perfectly. God certainly has led me to a great church!

But what is needed before a new thing can happen? Today's sermon was "MythBusters: All in Moderation" .... People dont want moderation as was explained... and its true.... do you go see modern people in the movies? You want action... you want extreme.... so does God.

This is a true story that was told today.... there was a platoon in the army that, well, lets just say they were in trouble... and their CO was screaming and yelling at them like a CO does and in the midst of his yelling he said "Your number one and only duty is to server in this man's army" and a few seconds later you hear "Sir, Correction, Sir!" and the CO was shocked..... after a few more seconds he heard "Sir, this private's number one duty is to server my Lord Jesus Christ, Sir!" and, well... what a stand... the CO said "Fine, your number 2 duty is to serve in this man's army" and then what happened? That CO watched that private constantly... just waiting for him to get drunk, to get stuck in sex, etc, etc.... but everytime he saw him, he was reading his Bible.... and the CO found nothing..... in the CO's absolute desire to get back at this private, he followed him to whereever it was he went on Sunday morning.... to make a long story short, that CO ended up in church with that private and that CO is now on fire for God.....

What happened? One man took a stand.... a big stand! Who corrects their CO in the army? But this one man felt strongly enough to make that stand... He knew he had to make that stand for his Savior! And really... you think about all of the countries that people are losing their lives because they are Christians.... and we are scared to stand here in the US because someone might look at us funny? Yea, it sounds kinda wimpy to me too now. Back in 9th grade I made a small stand to my science teacher and after class I had a conversation with one of the students in the class.... Where did that lead? I dont really know... I never kept in touch with that person.... but I made a stand...... but what could I have done the following years? The years when I really started backsliding..... what could I have done in my one year in college? Like Tim said in his sermon today, the strongest Christians are coming out of our universities. Of all of those, the ones that are in the science classes the most... why? Because these students who really want to stand for their Lord need to be an iron curtain.... they need to be so strong to stand against all of the stuff that is taught now. If your a college student now, you really need to take a stand.... and its the best oppritunity anyone ever has to stand up for God.... you sit in that science class and it is harder but more effective than being on a mission's trip in another country.

But is taking a stand just for the big stands like that? This is what hit me today.... this is what all of this boils down to... how does this affect me? This is a time where I have to get personal on this blog... more personal than usual. I dont think its a secret that Tiff and I are still having some struggles..... dont get me wrong.. we are doing fine... things are great.... but there are still some things that we struggle with... we've been through alot and its going to take time and take prayer to make this the perfect relationship that God has in store for us.... one big problem? Its a difference in views on sex..... ok, stop right there... we are both virgins... we are both very proud to be virgins and we are both staying that way until we are married....... in that sense, we are old fasioned... I have always been classified as old fasioned and thought of myself that way .... until I met Tiff! Tiff has different view than I do on making out... and it has been a struggle between us..... but it really hit me of what kind of a Christian I am if I dont take a stand.... Taking a step back... what kind of Christian am I to work for a company that has customer's who are pornographers and then take part in that practice? There is no doubt I am in that company for a reason.... but I can't be wishy washy.... I cant lash out against those customers... I would never think of that.... but if I can abstain from my desires, what kind of a witness could I be? Add that to the situation between Tiff and myself...... all of this really started hitting me during the sermon... then.... thennnnn.... I held communion in my hand and I thought..... you know... Jesus laid down His life for me.... He gave me this gift and now I am worried about just a little bit of desire? Do you think Jesus desired to die? No! He evern asked the Lord to let that cup pass by Him..... but He died anyway... He layed down HIS LIFE for me.... and I'm affraid to lay down a DESIRE for Him... and for Tiff.... It's time I make a change..... It's time I really work on this single problem.... I've got other problems... but this is something I need to work on.... Next time I'm with Tiff am I going to want to do more than just kiss? Of course... but I'm going to work hard to keep things until control... for God... for Tiff.... and... for myself!


"Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus" -- Third Day

Someday I will learn to just quit getting frustrated and just outright trust God.... someday I will.... I hope it's soon tho.