It just dawned on me.... dr gaul kept trying to get me to have an operation done on my face and when i saw my new doctor she wouldnt take no for answer when she told me i neede to see a dermatologist. even my doctors cant stand looking at me. im just plain disgusting.

and i dont want to hear another thing about counseling. i tried my hardest but i cant do it..... not another word about it unless it comes with the $80-$120 a month it would cost me that i just cant afford.

Guess it kinda makes sense a little more.... I always wanted to have pictures taken with one of my girlfriends.... no one ever would.... and it's a fight with tiff.... im just ugly and no one wants an ongoing remembrance of me... probably why there is only one pic of me in tiff's room and tons of jim... not because jim means more but because he is more attractive than me.... is that good or bad? I dunno.... but really... im ugly and the sooner i just accept the fact that I am and that no girl will ever be attracted to me, the better.

Just trying to get some thoughts out to hoppefully make me feel better....

I feel like I am such an ugly person.... like, looking in a mirror is like a horror for me.... I dont feel like anyone will ever see me as beautiful and... I guess things are coming together that my low self esteem in that area is creating the problems that I continually have that I spoke of a few weeks ago. I can't get free from that.... and really... if I never feel like I am a beautiful person in a 2-way relationship, I guess that explains why I would result to porn which is by nature a 1-way relationship.....

I have dealt with this my entire life. People in school always told me how ugly I was and how worthless I was... and... maybe my parents tried to encourage me but that was it.... but that didnt mean much beacause that is their job....

I am really struggling... really hurting... and really longing for something that I dont think I will ever find... I dont think it's possible to fine. I'm a smart person and I am working on being sucessful.... I really have a good heart.... things that people do tell me and do start to believe.... but im not beautiful in a physical sense... and unfortunately thats something that is by the way the God designed me.... its not something I can control....

I guess I just have to learn to live with it....

It's such a beautiful day.... I just wish my mood matched it.

I took a pretty short lunch so I'm gonna take a few mins to vent. Every day when I come into work Scott, our COO, goes "hey bob, how are you today" and I always say doing fine.... Today was my first realization of something.... Im not happy anymore.... Scott said that today.... he said that I always came in with a big smile on my face and so happy for life and the last few days I just havent been there.... and yaknow what... he is right. There are several things bugging me.... some I cant go completely into... some I can. First thing is obviously my car..... I am not ready to buy a new car... especially to finance a car and carry full coverage on it.... but it's looking like that is my only option. I simply can not rely on Beaster anymore.... its sad to say that but I just can't... so many things are going wrong. I wanted to move down here and get settled and then in about 6-8 months get another car but if I keep Beaster that long I'm sure in 6 months I'll have put enough money into that car that I could have bought another one..... it just doesnt make sense to let this car keep nickel and diming me.... but at the same point, I dont have enough money saved up to go the best route of putting a nice down payment down and/or buying a good used car from a private party.... my only real option is to try to find "special financing" as they call it and just bite the bullet. Can I afford it? Yea, I can probably swing it but its gonna hurt. I already typically only eat one meal a day and really dont do much. I bought a few things but since I've been down here I really have not bought that much. It's gonna hurt cutting back as much as I need to but I have no other choice.... hopefully people will come visit me beacuse I wont be getting out much.... nor will I be driving much either with the rising costs of gas.... go figure.... buy a car and you cant afford to drive it....

What else is bugging me? Well.... just when I do get out to eat or something I see so many couples that are there.... so excited to be with each other... you can just tell.... a kiss when someone gets excited.... Where is my life? This isnt what I planned for my life..... I wanted to be pretty close to being married and starting a family by now.... sure things dont go exactly the way you want all the time but there is a huge difference here. I wanted to be close to being married and working hard to be the best husband and father I could be... instead, I have to work very hard just to get a kiss..... it just kills me. And will I adjust? Sure... I am adjusting... some things are just worth it.... but im coming to a point where I'm questioning all of the adjustments I am making.... I am changing so much that I am sitting back and wondering if I am even me anymore. I dont feel like it... I feel like I am someone else.

I am just really having a rough time right now....

20 hours and counting..... plus someone already placed a bid.... reserve isnt met so I could still buy it now.... but, looks like its not gonna happen :(


http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=6210&item=4539993859&rd=1

I am really not feeling good.... and its probably most because of stress again. My car really seems like it is going to die.... dad kinda thinks it really just needs replaced but I have no options right now. I found a perfect car on ebay for $575 but I simply cant come up with that money right now.... I just moved and I havent completely got situated yet.... it sounds that on my car a wheel bearing is going.... maybe or maybe not.... but if it is..... im just scared to drive it.... it is theoretically possible that it kicks a wheel out.... I cant afford to have a wreck but I dont know what else I can do but to keep driving it.

I dont know whether to say Sunday was good or bad.... Church was incredible.... after that we had some serious issues at the data center so I had to go in.... stay there for a while and then eventually get chewed out by a customer.... then I do the wrong thing in handling that and get told about that.... I just wanted to cry... all this is happening as my car is about to fall apart.... the computer was doing weird things up until this day but on Sunday it just started making horrible noises out of the front end.... it still is. Eventually tho Keith asked if I wanted to go to the driving range.... I did and eventually starting driving balls apart 100 yds.... that incredible for me... last time I went I could hardly hit the ball. But I was still stressed out..... Keith and I were talking and the subject of bowling came up.... so we decided to go bowling then... got there and found that it was bowl all you want for $8 so we ended up staying till they closed at 12:30. After that we went to dinner.

Monday wasnt too bad but was stressful in some ways. I was fighting with the new computer I was setting up... that stressed me.... then ... well, lets just say another fight..... by the time I went to bed, I just cried myself to sleep......

Woke up today.... not feeling good at all... my head is pounding and my stomach hurts a little.... Im hoping it gets better but who knows.... Im just really scared and stressed.

I got a couple of fun emails.... but for those of you that havent figured it out yet, yesterday's blog was, of course, an april fools joke :)

Things at Carpathia are still going great..... I think I'll be here a while.

I quit carpathia today..... im gonna be working for the pizza hut in leesburg now. i just cant seem to get away.