"Theres no problem so large it cant be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account, and reporting their real earnings to the IRS"

The conference was great. We had an absolute blast... and learned some good stuff to. It was cool... we were in this lecture hall at Messiah College and CPLUG set up WiFi so a bunch of people had their laptops in there. CPLUG also set up an IRC server so we had a good amount of people sitting in the conference chatting back and forth on IRC about the speakers and such. It was really a neat experience.

Anyway, thats all for now. Have a good night.

Windows 2003 was born in 2003... go figure.... but tell me why the heck it requires you to have a floppy drive to load mass storage drivers during the install and it cant just load them off of a CD? Floppy drives are a thing of the past.... I think someone needs to tell Billy boy that....

.... I hate Microsoft.....

I might have to add to my list of gripes "People who do not respond to emails you send them" .... I can understand the stupid forwards and gimicks and stuff that people send... but when you send a self-written email to someone and they completely ignore it.... gosh that makes me mad.

My baby is becomming all grown up:


http://www.detar.org/pics/index.php?cat=7

For those of you that cant realize it... that is my old Suzuki Samurai.... looks alot different than it did in the pictures on my website, huh?

So I go to KFC for dinner... and of course I pay with my debit card. The back of it is not signed.... and in one of the rare cases, the cashier actually noted this and asked me for my ID. I asked her if I could use her pen so I could sign my card right there... she said she didnt have one.... my recipt prints out and I said "well, I guess I need a pen anyway" and she says no, the purchase is under $20......

..... ok?!? What would the matter be if my card was signed? She's not going to have a signature to compare anyway?

*scratches head*

I'm doing fine again..... the real problem seems to be that so many things that happened in the past to me whether it be from people in churches ive been to, ex girlfriends, family, etc..... all of the horrible things that have been done to be that I have put behind me are coming back to haunt me. The blunt of the problem is that everything is so perfect for me and Tiff that I am affraid that something bad is going to happen.... it's always happened before so why isnt it going to happen now? Some denominational beliefs previously have landed me in very ... well... lets just say that many people in my past instead of talking to me have lashed out against me..... There was a very serious confrontation at my church years and years ago that involved be and the missions board..... the Pastor of our church at that time stood up for me and defended me tooth and nail..... and things turned out ok.... but when you have any leader of the church attack you before finding out what is really going on... it hurts... and it was put behind me.... until today.... it crept back.... and a simple disagreement of beliefs which happens all the time and is completely normal turned into me flipping out because I was affraid I was about to be attacked and told again that I am a horrible person and a horrible Christian......

The truth is... I need help. I need some serious Christian counseling... and I am working on finding it. Right now, I am doing fine... this is turning into a great night. I sent Tiff an email that I hope she reads and responds to.... This night is turning out to be ok.... I feel fine.... no issues at all..... I just know that I need to get some help in dealing with these things in the past. In my heart I know that everything between me and Tiff is PERFECT... in my mind, I'm scared that its going to fall apart based ONLY on my past experiences.... Praise God that He gave me a girl that can understand I am struggling and be there for me even when I blow up and throw things in her face.... I could not ask for a more perfect girl..... Other than salvation, she is by far the best gift that God has ever given me.... and I treasure Tiff dearly....... no one ever was there for me like she has been.....

Some things I am just meant to deal with on my own I guess..... If I would learn to keep my mouth shut about some things I probably would be better off...... I tried to open up and get some support on something I think I am dealing with but I shouldnt have..... so I either gotta deal with this all on my own or I gotta just forget about it..... The worst thing is.... now I am questioning my own beliefs......

..... I thought I left the tears alone last night.... but they're back..... they are all I have in this.... my tears.... no one to talk to about it..... cant say anything here... cant say anything to anyone..... im all alone.... just me and my tears.....

Gosh darnit.... I hope I dont end up crying at work again tonight :(

There are many things I dont understand about Tiff..... lots of things..... but if I did understand everything.... how boring would that be, right? There is just one thing that stands out that I can not comprehend... and I dont think I ever will.... I dont understand how she can deal with me sometimes.

This weekend was really good.... things went well... my dreams came true.... yet at some points through the weekend, I look back, and realize that I was the worst person that ever could have been there..... the way I acted at times..... things I did... things I said..... I dont understand why I did or said them.... I more so dont understand how she not only didnt throw me out but begged me to stay.... even tho I was making things misserable, she wanted me by her side..... She put everything she had into making me feel better.....

So what happened? Truth is I'm not sure..... but I do know this.... and even tho I had the idea that there were problems, they never occured to me how big they were until the past few days.... I have some serious issues. Things in my past are coming back to haunt me in ways that I never imagined..... things that I did but mainly things that others did to me..... addictions and problems that I had before have come in through the flood gates and I realize that I am completely out of control..... I need help... Towards the end of last year I was in the care of Western Psychiatric. We now have a proper diagnosis... we have the medicine to take care of me and physically I could not be better.... I am not falling into depression.... my mood is under control...... what we have now is a serious spiritual battle.... something that Western Psych could have never touched on.

So what am I doing? I'm making up my mind to get better.... My goal in life has always been to be a good husband and a good father... that is my main goal in life.... and, if I want to give that to Tiff, I need to start taking care of some things..... I have emailed the two churches that I am looking at down here.... I have been given a list of CHRISTIAN counselors in this area.... and I intend on making something happen.... I am going to give this my all.....

When things start going good and start going in the direction that God wants them to go in, that is when satan attacks.... and the better things are going... the harder the attack will be....

Please keep me in your prayers.... I have lots of things to work on.... and lots of help to seek out... I pray that God leads me to the right help and that He gives me the strength to get better.... and mainly.... the Tiff continues to stick by me.....