Thank you to so many people around me.... for the first time in over a year I had a panic attack. I just cant thank everyone enough for dumping so much on me at one time.

The human mind can only take so much..... I am so close to that point it's not even funny. No one knows half the crap that I am dealing with and how much it is affecting me. First of all, I am only one person... I can not be everywhere and once and help everyone out at the drop of a hat... secondly, I make mistakes and just like everyone else, I need to be forgiven of those. Third... I need to know people care about me. I can not just assume that someone cares anymore because I have been betrayed way too much. Fourth, I need to be treated like others.... no special rules for me. Fifth, I need prayer more than I need advice right now. I have been hurt way too much by advice given to me and this probably means that I am going to make mistakes that I shouldnt have to... point is, I need to make them. I cant learn by what everyone else sees... I need to follow my heart. Sixth... if you hurt me... APOLOGIZE. I will never assume that you are sorry.... if you are, tell me... if your not.. just let it go and I will file it appropriately. No one can understand how much the words "I'm sorry" mean to me.

If you care about me... just show it. I have spent so much time caring about people and looking out for them only to be shot in the back. I cant take it any longer. If you care about me, you will know how to show it. If you dont care about me, get out of my life and quit pretending that you do.

Next time you see me and I am carrying my bottle of Xanax with me, just take a second to think if it was you..... because there is more than one person that has hurt me in the last week.

Why do people lie about caring for someone? What's in it for them? All they do is crush people.... But I guess maybe that's fun. I wanted at least a friendship with tiff and I end up trying my best not to hate her guts. I can't believe I was such an idiot and actually belived all the lies I saw in her blog and the lies she told my mom. What the hell was wrong with me? I almost lost 2 people who are very special to me and love me .... All because of one girl that has nothing better to do with her time than play mind games with me. I stood up on her account so many times when I defended her from people telling me she was just unstable and just liked playing mind games. Not only am I dealing with the pain she directly caused me but I am also dealing with the I told you so's. Gosh... All she had to do was tell me she was with jim again... But she couldnt.... I guess it wouldn't have hurt bad enough that way. She wanted the maximum amount of pain inflicted on me all because I took a path she made me think she wanted me to go in. She said that she was ready to move down with me this summer.... Yaknow what... I'm done... She's just an asshole... That's all there is to it.

Tanya's dog... as well as Tanya's mom's dogs... really enjoyed their new toy this morning..... its a stuffed animal named wolfie..... My dog was gonna get it..... but I didnt think she would do enough damage :)

All in all... I feel alot better. I know the truth.... I know that Tiff never did care.... and never will... I learned all over again that Tanya really does care about me.... she was pissed at Tiff... not because she was about to take me away from her but because she hurt me.....

I am now back where I need to be... I'm back with the girl that loves me... and the girl that I love. Lots of pain happened this weekend.... 2 of us (me and Tanya) are going to be better because of it.... 1 person is gonna hurt for a while because she deserves it.

Fair warning.... if you ever have something you need to tell me... just tell me... dont lie to me. Tiff could have had my friendship.... Tiff had this thing about lying to me... and it was ALWAYS about Jim. I dont know if she was just affraid or what.... but when you have something that needs said, you cant just leave it. You gamble alot when you lie to me. Honesty is very important to me.... VERY important.

Things are great now... I can now officially leave Tiff behind me.... something that I couldnt do before. Now I look forward and leave Tiff behind.....

For your entertainment....

Http://thehowlingwolf2.blogspot.com

it all there.... Tell me what you would have done... Then tell me what you would have done when you found out it was all lies.... I wonder if jim knows about her blog.... She is probably lying to him too. Oh wel... She is out of my life now. I wonder is she prayed that I would come back to her. It sure felt like it did... Well... If she did.... I guess the saying is true.... Be careful what you pray for.... If you pray for something you better be ready to deal with it. Goodbye tiff... I wish you the... Ah nevermind.

And tanya.... I really do love you!

I made some mistakes in the last few days.... The biggest was hurting someone because of a hunch. I found out today that that hunch was wrong. Tiff posted things on her blog and talked to my mom often and used them all to lure me back. Once I talked to her she avoided telling me that she was back with jim. When I called her today I thought a relationship may start again. I was also prepared to hear that she was with jim again. If that was the case I wanted to be friends with her and admit to tanya I was wrong. That wasn't the case. Tiff did not tell me she was back with jim. She even ignored that fact when I directly asked her. Tiff doesn't care about me at all. She has a real bad habit of lying to me.... And its always about jim.... So how could I trust her? I know what I need to do now... I need to talk to the girl that loves me to death... The one that just has trouble showing it. The same girl that makes me happy. I need to make this right between me and tanya. I can't let this fall apart. I got my answer loud and clear from tiff.... I can't loose tanya too. At least now I know and I don't have those tiff thoughts in the back of my head. As bad as this hurt so many people..... It needed to happen. And... Oh yea... I love you tanya... And I'm sorry.

The 2 girls I thought loved me and I had to take a break to figure out which one was for me.... Well.... I'm starting to think neither one does. One lies to me and other just has to call over and over again displaying her hatred for me. Maybe this is where I move to va and start over. I do feel like dying though. I'm so hurt.

Why can't people just be freaking honest. I just really want to die. I am hurting so bad because of one little girl that I thought changed. Damnit I hate my life.

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this shift at pizza hut. I just want to die. Its amazing how many people I can hurt by one move that I think is right. Its also amazing how many ways I can be hurt. I really do want to die.