Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Do I even exist anymore?

I really don't know whats been going on with me recently but something just isn't right. One of the biggest oddities that is occuring right now is I constantly feel dehydrated. It doesnt matter how much water I drink I still have that dry mouth feeling, the sucking impulse, and eventually the dehydration headache. I know, I know.... go see a doctor, right? Well, I am.... but here is the problem. The doctor won't refill my prescriptions without a checkup so I have to go and pay $120 to say hi. Tell him about the dehydration? Sure, I could.... but I'm more affraid of that because that will result in him wanting to do tests.... tests that I just simply can not afford. The $120 office visit is going to kill me as it is..... I can't afford for there to be something wrong with me so the only thing I can do is pretend that nothing is.

There is probably a good chance that all of that links in to the other stuff.... but some of it is also the fact that I feel like I don't exist. Aside from the fact that I feel emotionally (and sometimes even physically) numb, it seems that anything I say just doesnt get heard. It started on Twitter when I noticed that none of my friends that usually reply to me were doing so.... but Twitter has been having issues so I write it off as that. Then it goes to emails not being responded to.... then text messages..... then phone calls...... anymore, I can't figure out if every communications device I own is broke or if people just simply don't care anymore. Even in the people that did pay some attention to me recently it seems that the majority of all of that was just when they needed something.

Overall? I just feel drained. I'm not overwhelmed or anything.... I don't feel stressed out.... I just don't feel like me. I'm functioning incredibly well doing the consulting work that I've been doing so at least its not something my clients have to worry about..... but when I step outside of the "work zone" I just don't know who I am..... and more importantly, I don't know if who I am even matters anymore since there isn't anyone to share that with. I don't know if you'd call any of this depression because it doesnt really have the footprint that depression has.... but at the same time I can't say that I'm happy.

So I guess there is an awaited "bob update" for anyone who actually still cares enough to read my blog. Sorry it wasn't happy.... but at least it isnt the deep depression driven blog posts of 2003 and 2004..... I'm sure things will turn around.... I'm sure that God has His hand on me..... I just am really hoping that there is some breakthrough soon.


Shashi Bellamkonda said...

you just need to come to more meetups


mousewords said...

*commented* *noticed* *hugged*

I feel like that too--not so much lately, but definitely in the past couple years. And I sure know how physical worries (and loneliness) can make everything else seem a hundred times worse.

All I can say is hang in there--do go to meetups, try to stay busy and get outside, in the sunshine.

And drop me a note for a chat anytime! God is with you. You're not alone. ;-):-)