God is a DJ

God is a DJ

This is really an awesome short film that makes you think about the things that happen and what they fix or break because they did happen.

"Wait for You"

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door.
Oooooo
Why did you have to go?
You could of let me know
So now I'm all alone

Girl you could of stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it’s a little bit more than I can stand.
Oooooo
And all my tears stay
runnin’ down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I’ll wait for you

Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy(crazy)
Ooooo
How can you walk away
(Way) Everything stays the same
I just can’t do it baby

What will it take to make you come back
[Wait For You lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Girl I told you what it is and it just ain’t like that
Noooooo
Why can’t you look at me?
You’re still in love with me
Don’t leave me crying

Baby why can’t we just, just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you’re keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you (for you)
Ooooooo
Baby I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
I’ll be waiting …

"Wait for You" by Elliott Yamin

As I've been babysitting this morning, ice been thinking about a lot. Its been really hard on me thinking about how I am 27 and have no sight of a wife in my future. Add to that the stuff going on with my grandfather and I start feeling bad. My mom wants to be a grandma and I want her to be one. Right now Lori and I are single and while Kari is engaged, I don't think there are kids in the near future there.
Right now I am blogging this as the sweetest baby of all time is sleeping on my arm. Its no wonder my mom wants this again. I really started thinking about me and my sisters and I also remember my dad telling me a little while ago about a member of our old church called them just to tell them that they were great parents - and they were. I think of where we are right now. Kari is the head coach of the YMCA gymnastics team. Lori is an elementary teacher - and not just any teacher but a specialist who helps children who are struggling with reading. As for me, I don't have huge groups of kids in my life but, despite how I feel sometimes, I have been able to deeply impact a few children. I just think about it and realize that my parents aren't far from Abraham and Sara who had more descendants than the sands on the shore. While my parents may not have technical grandchildren, because of who they are they have impacted hundreds of kids.... And those kids are going to impact even more.
This has to be one of the first Blogs I've written that really left me in tears. My life may not be the way that I wanted it to be but knowing that I just might be doing good in the life of this sweetheart sleeping on my (now numb) arm is more than I could have asked for. The same is true for my parents - they may have figured on having grandchildren by now but maybe someday in the (hopefully distant) future they will look down from heaven and realize that the world is a better place because of them.

I know that there is a reason that I am enduring what I am emotionally right now. Things that hurt but don't kill you really do make you stronger. I know that giving of yourself ultimately helps both those your giving to and yourself but it doesn't mean there aren't hurts and struggles along the way. It boils down to saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you are going to be there for someone you really have to do it. Its hard sometimes but if you meant it then its what you want to do - and going through these struggles is what I want to do. I mean, no, I don't *want* the pain but I know that the pain is a requirement for a better life for both me and the people I am there for.

Please pray for me. I really need it.

There was once a time that this Blog was a real source of encouragement because I had people that read it because they cared about me and they thought enough to leave a comment or send me an email. I know those times are over. I guess it doesn't stop me from blogging to the wall tho.

I just have really been struggling with some things and the biggest thing that's been hard on me is the realization that I'm really not good enough to help anyone. I really don't have anything to offer anyone. I am just a poor country not trying to keep myself alive. I don't have any money or any real posessions. Hell, I'm even extremely far from being an attractive person. I try so hard but I just never seem to make much of an impact on anyone. Anyone I try to help just seems to stick around long enough to see if I have something to offer and then run when they realize I don't. Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to not even be good enough to volunteer? Seriously... It hurts.

I know this is all my fault somehow and I know that many many people have it worse than me. That's all ice ever been told when ice been hurting. Seriously, if I really was worth something then someone trying to cheer me up would say that instead of having to use those lines.
I don't know. I'm just tired of feeling all alone in my battles. I try my best to help others with their battles but I guess if I fail at those, there really isn't a reason for them to help me with mine.

Yea, I know... This is life. Ill just keep being worthless and try to continue hiding it so I don't interupt anyones perfect life.

When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes

And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be

I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in

And now all of a sudden
It seemed so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man
That's standin' next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be

Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be

Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be

"He Didn't Have to be" by Brad Paisley

A lot of times you hear people compare caring for someone to an investment... Personally, I think this is a horrible thing to say -- and its the attitude that I really need to adjust right now. When have you heard an investor put thousands of dollars into a company solely because he liked what the company does, even tho there was no chance of return? So are all these people telling us we shouldn't love someone that can't love is back?

The last couple of weeks have been really tough on me. Its really hard to put so much into someone or something and only watch things get worse. You try your best to cheer people up only to be reminded that your no one who could even think about making any kind of impact... Then you watch as the stupid little thing you worked at making just right turns in to just something else to hate. You walk through this life trying to give of yourself till you have nothing left only to be told your not caring enough or you did it all wrong.... You want so badly to believe you are worth something but you really can't find any evidence of that....

.... But why are you doing it? Well, if your doing it because your waiting for a return on your investmeny I suppose you screwed up pretty bad. If you are doing it because you care about someone and truly believe they are worth more than you are then your only making progress.

The few people that actually talk to me anymore know its not a secret that ive been totally drained emotionally. I do feel like ice lost my Joy. Its a hard thing dealing with people that everyone else used and thought nothing about them... But its something that sometimes your mind just has to yield to your heart regarding and your physical body just has to prepare for the stress that's going to have to be endured.

Sometimes people are just worth it.

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a nigger from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

"I Believe" by Blessid Union of Souls